Top 5 Most Unforgivable Razzie Snubs

Sure, it’s one thing to get all up in arms over the Academy Award nominations. They’re the industry-standard in terms of awards, and we all feel passionate about what encapsulates the best of any given year, and want to see those responsible for profoundly moving and wowing us rewarded accordingly.

But, strange as it may seem, I’m actually more outraged by the lack of effort put forth by the Razzie committee this calendar year. Apparently not interested in taking on the “true” worst of 2009, they’ve instead decided to take unimaginative pot-shots at easy targets like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and The Land of the Lost — films that weren’t so much godawful as mediocre.

Where’s the real crap, the tripe, the dreck, I ask? How is it that Transformers 2 chocked up multiple noms, while Dragonball: Evolution — a film unseen by me, but utterly loathed by the collective film-going audiences at large — managed to escape unscathed?

Justice I demand, and justice I shall enact with this all-mighty list of the most ludicrous snubs dealt out by the Razzie folks. After all, if I’m going to be made to suffer, I demand retribution for myself, and all the others misguided sap as foolish as me to buy a ticket in the first place.

5. Nicole Kidman, Nine, Worst Supporting Actress – As I stated in my Top 5 Lists of Oscar Snubs, Nine was something of a car-wreck redeemed only by a few good performances (Marion Cotillard and Fergie, predominantly) and the odd decent song. Conversely, Miss Kidman represented the very worst of both worlds, with her vacuous, Barbie Doll-like turn as Daniel Day-Lewis’ favorite silver screen muse and warbling, aneurysm-inducing rendition of “Unusual Way” (if you don’t believe me, sample it on iTunes. Just don’t blame me when you ears start bleeding) stinking up the cinema like Pepe Le Pew in a flower shop. It takes amazingly bad work to upstage the traumatic sight of Dame Judi Dench jiggling in a bustier, but Kidman more than delivers on that seemingly Herculean feat.

4. Sorority Row, Worst Remake, Rip-off or Sequel – G.I. Joe, Land of the Lost and Transformers 2? Seriously, you haven’t felt the stinging pains of violent agony and disgusted outrage until you’ve endured Sorority Row, a repulsive, offensive slice of hateful misogyny hiding beneath the thin disguise of a bargain-basement slasher craptacular. Although I’ve yet to experience the original House on Sorority Row, I suspect, based on the opinions of those who’ve seen it, that it bears little of this version’s off-putting ickiness, and it’s utterly inexcusable that this remake, a vile exercise in boredom and brutality, managed to get off scot free. While a Razzie would have been nice, my real hope is that director Stewart Hendler is forced — Clockwork Orange style — to endure this crime against movie-going humanity on a repetitive loop until he comes to understand the evil he hath wrought.

3. Odette Yustman, The Unborn, Worst Actress – Sure, the Worst Actress category had fierce competition this year, but Odette Yustman deserves acknowledgement for failing miserably at portraying a human being. Part Real Doll, part Megan Fox clone, the actress was like a slightly hotter version of Vicki from Small Wonder; rigid, robotic and emotionally cold, without an ounce of life. Certainly, David S. Goyer’s klutzy direction and script didn’t help, but the actress was a veritable gong-show of over-exaggerated facial expressions, droning dialogue delivery and tiresome shrieks and yelps. If Yustman warrants even an iota of praise, it’s that her skimpy wardrobe at least managed to momentarily stir the male contingent of the audience out its deep, apathetic slumber.

2. Rob Zombie and Halloween II, Worst Director and Worst Picture – Why does it deserve to be here? Because it is, in my humble opinion the very worst film of 2009, and no movie as incompetent, moronic and mind-numbing as Halloween II should ever … EVER be denied the chance to represent the very lowliest that cinema has to offer. Thus, I propose that we boot Brad Siberling or Stephen Sommers out of contention and escort — by force, if necessary — Mr. Zombie into their abandoned slot. Further, Halloween II also deserves a shot at the big tamale, so I recommend pulling a similar tactic with that category as well. Because, if we chastise Mr. Hellbilly Deluxe and put a stop to this madness now, our children and children’s children may have a chance to live in a sunny, cheerful world free of unwatchable white trash Halloween films. It’s a modest dream, but it’s one I firmly believe we can make happen.


1. Chris Klein, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Worst Actor - Klein deserves this award for an entirely different reason than the plethora of irredeemably pathetic work listed above. No, unlike his peers, the former American Pie star warrants recognition for being completely and utterly awe-inspiring in the face of unbridled cruddiness. Playing the swaggering cop Charlie Nash — a stubbled, walking, talking representation of machismo-gone-mad — Klein camps it up like a drag queen at a Rocky Horror Picture Show revival, uttering each unspeakable line with a volatile mixture of untamed testosterone and low-grade brain damage. It’s a performance destined for the record books of over-the-top turns — alongside The Wicker Man’s Nicolas Cage, Tango & Cash’s Jack Palance and Gamer’s Michael C. Hall — as well as assured to provide excellent fodder for amusing YouTube tributes like this for eons to come. If I could give the man an Oscar for Amazing Achievement in Awesomeness, I would. Regrettably, though, this avenue feels more realistic, and I think it’s positively criminal that Klein’s iconic work was ignored. “Nash, out!” indeed.

Top 5 Most Unforgivable Oscar Snubs

No Oscar nominations list is perfect. For every five worthy, totally deserving choices, there’s at least one irksome, exasperating snub guaranteed to stick in the collective craw of legions of ardent film fans. Previous years have seen films like The Dark Knight, Wall-E and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, as well as sparkling performances such by Paul Giamatti (in Sideways) and Viggo Mortensen and Mario Bello (in A History of Violence), passed over in favor of safer, duller Oscar-bait.
Although this new crop of Oscar nominees is a considerable step up from last year’s largely uninspired and irritating list — The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and The Reader? Seriously?! — there’s still the odd little missing name or title which deserves serious mention.

So, I’ve compiled the Top 5 most egregious snubs, the poor choices that could have been easily avoided and remedied if a little more care and attention had been paid.

* Just a note before we begin, I’ve purposely left Sam Rockwell’s stellar work in Moon and Tobey Maguire’s revelatory turn in Brothers off this list. Not because they aren’t deserving of heaps of glowing attention, but rather because the five names that already make up the Best Actor nominee category are more than deserving of their recognition and don’t warrant being figuratively bumped. However, if Tim McGraw had been nominated for The Blind Side, or Mark Wahlberg for The Lovely Bones, I’d be singing a very different tune.

5. Drag Me to Hell for Best Makeup — While I’m sure the makeup work in The Young Victoria was gangbusters, few cinematic images were more gloriously memorable in 2009 than the sight of Lorna Raver’s Hag-from-Hell Gypsy sorceress hovering, staples firmly wedged into her repulsive and seemingly ancient wrinkled mug, over a shrieking Alison Lohman. With the sicko geniuses from KNB tirelessly working behind the scenes, conjuring up endless devilishly deranged creations, Sam Raimi’s spook-a-blast spectacular was a veritable showcase for some of the madcap best and most brilliantly disgusting makeup work of the year.

4. Carter Burwell’s score for Where the Wild Things Are for Best Original Score — Say what you will about the film itself, Burwell’s delicate, beautiful music communicates the pain, confusion, wonder and unbridled joy of childhood with seamless efficiency and sensitivity. When paired with Spike Jonze’s often dazzling images, the tingly, chill-inducing results send hearts soaring and rock the collective audiences’ emotions to the very core. If James Horner’s cheerlessly derivative Avatar score — a lazy, under-baked combination of his Titanic and Apocalypto efforts — can win a nomination, it’s criminal that Burwell’s aurally transfixing compositions were ignored.

3. Alfred Molina, An Education, for Best Supporting Actor — Look, we all know at this point that Christoph Waltz is a lock to win in this category, but there’s no reason that room couldn’t have been made to give this esteemed character actor his first career nod. Playing Carey Mulligan’s loving, but uptight, papa, Molina was alternately side-splittingly hilarious and gently heartbreaking; a stubborn, proud family man paralyzed by the lingering uncertainties and wounds of WWII upon his country. Watching Molina’s character go about his daily humdrum existence, anxiously shielded against any potential spark of spontaneity or excitement, it’s impossible not to feel the warmth and compassion burning just beneath his standoffish exterior. As spectacular as Mulligan is, it’s Molina who sticks with us; a quiet, frightened man just wanting to do boundless good for those he loves unconditionally.

2. Marion Cotillard, Nine, for Best Supporting Actress — Rob Marshall’s Nine was a fairly terrible film: a clumsy, superficial mess masquerading as artsy, high-brow entertainment. However, one of the film’s few saving graces was the wounded, passionate performance of Cotillard, whose wronged director’s wife provided fiery energy and emotional pyrotechnics to a project otherwise largely devoid of either quality. Whether having a quiet, devastating revelation while viewing her husband’s test footage or tearing up the stage during her furious “Take It All” number, the actress jolted audiences awake with her verve and raw intensity. Why Penelope Cruz’s serviceable turn as Daniel Day Lewis’s mistress got the golden go ahead while Cotillard got the snub is utterly beyond me. Certainly her exclusion is one of the Academy’s most ridiculous blunders in years.

1. Melanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds, for Best Supporting Actress — Even though I wasn’t remotely surprised to see Laurent’s name absent from the Oscar nomination list (the precedent had already been set by the numerous preceding year-end awards groups that had ignored her) it was hard not to feel the sting of a true missed opportunity. As Shosanna, the vengeance-seeking Jewish cinema owner responsible for toppling the Nazi party, the actress provided Tarantino’s WWII epic with an aching soulfulness that was a true wonder to behold. Although her character is undoubtedly remembered best for her iconic final appearance, projected across a plume of hellish smoke, Laurent’s subtle handling of the movie’s trickier conversational scenes — sharing a strudel with Waltz’ Landa or engaging in awkward flirty discourse with Daniel Bruhl’s smitten war hero — are equally impactful; unmistakably honest, relentlessly gripping, and bearing the distinctive stamp of a brightly shining new talent hopefully destined for great things.

Film Review - EDGE OF DARKNESS

If a movie’s pre-release potential could be counted in currency, Edge of Darkness would have been a mighty lucrative venture, yes siree! Not only does the project mark the long-awaited return of Mel Gibson – in classic Mad Mel mode, no less - to the acting world, it also boasts a screenplay co-written by The Departed Oscar-winner William Monahan and the capable directorial duties of Martin Campbell, the British helmer responsible for revitalizing James Bond twice with 1995’s GoldenEye and 2006’s Casino Royale. Heck, even the film’s original source material, the highly lauded 1985 BBC mini-series of the same name, is of the utmost calibre.

One would not have been foolish to assume that, given the prestige and obvious strengths of the ridiculously talented individuals involved, the final product would be a solid A-grade mainstream thriller. Sadly, however, they would be very, very wrong, as Edge of Darkness is anything but. Rather, it’s an utterly boring, ungainly mess; an ugly mishmash of loosely connected plot threads that’s tries to be both an intimate revenge tale and a socially relevant conspiracy yarn while failing miserably on both counts.

Regrettable, as Gibson is in fine seething form as Thomas Craven (If there’s a more awesome last name than “Craven”, I’ve yet to hear it), a hard-edged Boston homicide cop whose spritely daughter Emma (Bojana Novakovic) gets shot-gunned to smithereens in his front yard. Despite initially believing that the hit was intended for him, Craven inevitably winds up following a trail of leads to her former place of work, the Northmoor Corporation, a radioactive waste facility with secret military connections, overseen by slick CEO Jack Bennett (Danny Huston – an actor skilled at playing characters who virtually ooze sleaze). Convinced of a connection between his daughter’s demise and the good folks of Northmoor, Craven sets out to expose the truth behind the obviously crooked company – a complicated task which becomes even thornier with the arrival of Jedburgh (Ray Winstone), a shadowy government-appointed “cleaner”, who may or may not hold the answers that the grieving father needs.

Now, in the original six-hour plus televised version (also helmed by Campbell), these events no doubt – considering the voluminous praise surrounding it - played out like an intricately unfolding riddle, with each solved piece of Craven’s puzzle hitting the viewer like an astonishing revelation. But here, streamlined into two hours, Edge of Darkness is confusing and clumsy, with almost every single new surprise delivered to Gibson and the audience via a one-note, exposition-spewing side character (who must, of course, begin each discourse by hysterically stating their refusal to cooperate). The only real exception to this rule is Winstone, whose Herculean efforts in imbuing his enigmatic operative with dramatic heft are akin to witnessing cinematic alchemy. Speaking in an gravelly, earth-rumbling timbre, and making fearsome use of his hulking build, he commands the screen like a true master, making even the direst descriptive dialogue flow as if it had originated from the mighty pen of Sir Billy Shakespeare himself.

Nevertheless, the fine Brit thespian is done no favours by Monahan and Andrew Bovell’s script, which introduces both him and other key players with suitable pomp and circumstance, before abruptly scuttling them off-screen (only to have them later pop up when necessary) in order to regain focus on Craven’s plight. While Jedburgh’s crucial character arc is rushed and emotionally unsatisfying, other actors – such as Jay O. Sanders as Gibson’s cop partner – find themselves more or less stuck in Act 1; factoring heavily in the establishment of the plot before practically vanishing into thin air. Even the character of Emma – the impetus for the whole flippin’ story – does little more than furrow her brow, projectile vomit and take a one-way trip through a closed door. It’s impossible to share Craven’s considerable grief when the movie’s tragic victim is such a forgettable, charisma-deficient blank.

Martin Campbell, a reliable journeyman director, proves unable to bring any life to the inert shambles around him, though he does try valiantly by shoe-horning in a completely pointless, but efficient, Bourne-esque fist-fight and aping Scorsese’s distinctive style of staging shocking bursts of sudden violence – a technique which often comes across as more comical than horrifying. With that said, the helmer has at least fashioned this snoozer into something pretty, with razor-blade editing and an omnipresent cloak of grim moodiness which, while overwhelmingly unpleasant to endure, is mostly consistent (minus the shamelessly unearned sentimental ending) and thematically appropriate.

Frankly, when compared against 2008’s smart and engaging State of Play – another adored BBC mini-series adapted by Hollywood – it’s embarrassing how wildly this picture misfires. It’s a syrup-paced mystery film without an ounce of mystery, where the villains are shallow and unmistakeable and the hero is always ten steps behind even the slowest audience member. Ultimately, Edge of Darkness is a promising endeavour that disastrously crashed somewhere amidst its turbulent journey across the pond.

1.5 out of 5

*Originally printed in SFU's The Peak: Feb. 8th, 2010.

Film Review - LEGION

If there is a deeper message to be found within Legion, the sloppy new biblical horror actioner, it’s that God has completely, and perhaps irrevocably, lost his ever-loving marbles. At last fed up with “mankind’s bullshit” (I blame the whole CoCo/Leno fiasco), He’s orchestrated a swift and aggressive master plan which calls for the apocalypse to be brought about by an invading army of unstoppable seraph warriors, led by the mighty Gabriel. However, as opposed to simply allowing his winged soldiers free reign to tear a relentless bloody swath through the heart of humanity, he’s decided - rather questionably, it must be said – to complicate matters by ordering them to inhabit fragile (read: non-bulletproof) mortal bodies and utilize only their sharpened teeth and claws in battle. Uh huh.

Fortunately for all of us unfortunate Earth-dwellers, gutsy ass-kickin’, heat-packin’ archangel Michael (Paul Bettany), realizing that his Holiness is riding the express train to Cuckoo County, makes the valiant decision to abandon his divine flock, hew off his wings for no good reason (It’s the symbolic thing to do, I suppose) and take up arms alongside a small, eccentric band of B-movie stereotypes occupying a dusty diner/gas station in the desolate desert town of, wait for it, Paradise Falls. This motley crew of weary souls consists of the businesses hard-bitten owner Bob (Dennis Quaid), his mopey loser son Jeep (Lucas Black), one-armed fry cook Percy (Charles S. Dutton), pregnant waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), mysterious tough-guy Kyle (Tyrese Gibson) and a rich, snotty couple (Kate Walsh and John Tenney) on the road with their saucy teen daughter Audrey (Willa Holland). Begrudgingly united by the lethal forces banging at the windows, and tasked with ensuring the safe birth and survival of Charlie's unborn child – the prophesied saviour of mankind - Michael and his new flesh-and-blood allies prepare to face down the vindictive fury of the unreasonable Almighty.

As ridiculous as it reads on paper, there’s something undeniably charming about Legion’s corny Old Testament doom-mongering that I wish writer/director Scott Stewart had been less hesitant to run amok with. Sure, we get fleeting glimpses of wickedly amusing gross-out camp in the film’s early first half, in weirdo encounters with a foul-mouthed, spider-walking senior citizen and an elastic-limbed ice-cream man, but the novice helmer never embraces the devil-may-care rebelliousness that this material requires to make an impact. Rather, there’s an oppressive earnestness that drags the picture down, disregarding cheap thrills and attitude in favour of never-ending scenes depicting glum characters spouting insipid Dr. Phil-isms to each-other regarding, among other things, being true to oneself, learning to trust others, and breaking free from the burden of past mistakes.

Had Stewart been working with smart or inventive cinematic elements, I’d be willing to abide his propensity for self-importance, but the film is a blatant mishmash of ripped off plot-points and ideas without a clear identity of its own. In fact, one could make a hell of a drinking game out of spotting the endless references and “borrowed” scenes (I myself jotted down The Terminator, I Am Legend, Night of the Living Dead, Evil Dead, Jeepers Creepers and Assault on Precinct 13), though it would probably induce unconsciousness well before the end credits. While ham-fisted homages can be great fun in enjoyable trash (2008’s Doomsday is a superior example), Legion’s lack of identity plays havoc with the movie’s narrative flow, leading to an often distractingly inconsistent tone and badly tacked-on third act that feels desperate, cluttered and maddeningly rushed.

Thank high heavens, then, for Paul Bettany, whose stoically commanding performance as Michael is the film’s lone saving grace. The criminally underrated actor has a firm grasp on playing characters grappling with religious inner-conflict (witness his albino assassin from The Da Vinci Code or his portrayal of Charles Darwin in Creation), and he instils his archangel hero with almost superhuman gravitas. Exploiting his towering, wiry frame to its full intimidating effect, Bettany never falters in his dedication to grounding the silliness around him, whether blowing fiery crucifix-shaped holes in walls, engaging in sombre philosophical exchanges with Kevin Durand’s misguided Gabriel or using a hand-gun to convert a gas-pump nozzle into a make-shift angel-roasting flame-thrower. Unlike the sea of actors drowning in bad dialogue and false sentiment around him, Bettany delivers an effective and forceful performance markedly better than the lame movie it’s stuck in.

Certainly, wasting Bettany is unforgivable, but Legion’s most egregious sin is that it shamelessly teases us with its nutty “When Angels Attack!”/Slayer concept album premise while lacking the goofball conviction to deliver on the infinite guilty-pleasure possibilities. Instead, it’s joyless and pedestrian; an entirely unremarkable, factory-assembled genre entry made for all that will be likely enjoyed by very, very few. It’s a touch ironic that, in making a film about God’s lack of faith in man, the filmmakers reveal a crippling lack of faith in their own audience.

2 out of 5

*Originally printed in SFU's The Peak: Feb. 1st, 2010.

2010's Top 5 Most Intriguing Upcoming Films!

While perusing this list, you might find your blood-pressure rising an iota, your mind heatedly asking “Where’s Iron Man 2, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 or Free Willy 4: Escape from Pirate Cove?!! How could they possibly be excluded? I demand to know who wrote this tripe!”

Well, that’s because these five selections constitute the most intriguing projects on the horizon; films with little advertising presence or explicit advance buzz. Movies that are question marks, as opposed to exclamation marks.

The aforementioned three, er two biggies — plus Alice in Wonderland, The A-Team, Tron: Legacy and the like — lack the mystery and creative innovativeness to make this particular list. As exciting as they seem, there’s precious little uncertainty to lay awake pondering and speculating over.

Rather, these five choices are the films I’m most eager to see unleashed onto audiences in 2010. They may be disasters or they could prove to be masterpieces, but either way there’s an irresistible air of secrecy and uniqueness around them that has me impatient to uncover whatever hidden genius may be burning within.

So, on that note, enjoy.

5. THE RUNAWAYS (March 19, 2010 – limited): This rock biopic of the famous titular ’70s teen band is based on lead singer Cherie Currie’s memoir Neon Angel and bears all the markings of being a rivetingly authentic, down ‘n dirty journey through the alternately glitzy and soul-killingly cruel music industry meat-grinder. Packed with a number of Hollywood It! Girls — including Dakota Fanning as Currie, Twilight’s Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett and Halloween’s Scout Taylor-Compton as Lita Ford — The Runaways could provide a spectacularly raw showcase for these actresses to wow audiences turned off by their previous less-than-stellar genre-based work. Directed by Floria Sigismondi – who helmed two of Marilyn Manson’s most visually inventive and influential videos in “The Beautiful People” and “Tourniquet” – and backed by a no-doubt killer soundtrack, this flick packs serious Devil Horn-waving potential.

Check out the short teaser here.

4. I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS (March 26, 2010 – limited): Although Jim Carrey has yet to receive many accolades for his dramatic work, his output has been exceedingly strong – minus The Number 23 – so I’m really eager to see this quirky homosexual love story pairing him against the always reliable Ewan McGregor. Walking a fine line between comedy and heartfelt drama, Phillip Morris chronicles the true-life tale of a happily married southern policeman who — following a fateful tragic accident — considerably alters the course of his life, switching teams, as it were, and living life on a the wild side. After meeting McGregor’s character in a prison stint, Carey’s Steven Russell becomes obsessed with breaking his newfound love out of the clink, and a game of twisty conman-ship begins. The film has supposedly been stuck on the shelf for a while, with the studio unsure of how to market a project filled with unabashedly gay material, but, personally, I can’t wait to see what the rubber-faced funny-man can do with such a challenging role. Who knows, if it clicks, it may even earn him his first long-awaited Oscar nomination. Time will tell.

Open your eyes to the first full-length international trailer here. (Caution: It’s a tad risqué, so I’m gonna label it NSFW.)

3. BLACK SWAN (2010): What in the name of One-Eyed Odin is Darren Aronofsky up to with this supernatural ballet thriller? You can read a little more about my thoughts — and some character details — regarding the project in a past news story I did for It’s Just Movies, but let me add that I’m truly fascinated by whatever it is the crafty director is up to. I’m also desperately hoping that Aronofsky can really launch Mila Kunis – a ridiculously charismatic A-list talent in the making – into the stratosphere while also weaving another character-driven cinematic tapestry worthy of deep contemplation and critical analysis. Maybe Black Swan can also give the director’s sadly underwhelming box-office reputation a much-needed boost. The promise of Kunis and Natalie Portman in tights can’t hurt too much.

2. THE FIGHTER (2010): Helmed by notoriously combustible auteur David O. Russell, this based-on-true-events drama details the burgeoning early career of “Irish” Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg), a boxer on his way to the light welterweight-level pros with the help of his recovering drug addict half-brother Dickie Eklund (Christian Bale). With supporting assistance from Academy Award-nominees Amy Adams and Melissa Leo, this project has all the bearings and prestige of being a 2010 Oscar dark-horse. Besides the appeal of the gritty underdog story, what really has me drooling in anticipation over The Fighter is the early buzz surrounding Bale’s go-for-broke performance, wherein he apparently disappears under the wounded skin of his emotionally-damaged character. Early spy pics reveal an emaciated shell of a man – a welcome departure from the gruff, tormented heroes he’s specialized in as of late – which will hopefully remind forgetful critics and ticket-buyers of the actor’s chameleon-like ability to distort and manipulate his own image when required. If Russell can hold the whole shebang together, we may have a serious contender on our hands.

1. INCEPTION (July 16, 2010): Do you even have to ask why? This is Christopher Nolan’s big dice-roll; a chance to parlay his gargantuan Dark Knight success into an epic-sized $200-million-dollar passion project largely free of studio interference and outside input. Whatever the results, Inception promises to be Nolan 100 percent unfiltered, exploring his own obsessions (identity confusion, perhaps?) on the biggest canvas with the biggest, most talented stars — including Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine, Marion Cotillard — possible. What is it about? I don’t want to know until I walk out of the midnight advance showing. However, after such glorious mind-f***’s as Memento and The Prestige, my expectations are mighty high. Fortunately, Mr. Nolan — one of the most dependable directors currently toiling in the biz of show — is thus far seemingly incapable of producing work that doesn’t surprise and leave us begging for more.

You can try to unlock Inception's latest trailer here.

Film Review - THE LOVELY BONES

Even the greatest film directors occasionally meet a cinematic nut they can’t crack; an ambitious tighwire walk of a project that ultimately culminates in a glorious mess of inappropriate stylistic tics, confused storytelling, and misspent good intentions. Steven Spielberg had 1941. Martin Scorsese had New York, New York. Tim Burton had Planet of the Apes. And now Peter Jackson, the visionary mastermind behind The Lord of the Rings and the flawed (but sweeping) King Kong remake, has The Lovely Bones, a perfect storm of gross artistic overindulgence and narrative carelessness.

Too bad, because it’s not as if Alice Sebold’s best-selling 2002 novel, which traced, in heartstring-pulling detail, the life and untimely death of 14-year-old Susie Salmon (“Like the fish!”), was devoid of rich material. As portrayed in the film version by gifted young actress Saoirse Ronan — an Oscar-nominee for 2007’s Atonement — Susie is a sprightly, shy, and cheerful middle-child, adored by her loving middle-class parents Jack and Abigail (Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz), as well as her boozy, vampy grandmother Lynn (Susan Sarandon), and hopelessly enamoured with her dreamy British classmate Ray (Reece Ritchie). As cruel fate would have it, however, shortly after her nervous first interaction with the object of her unbridled affection, Susie is lured to her doom by her creepy neighbour Mr. Harvey (a sinister and barely recognizable Stanley Tucci), a cunning sexual predator who hides behind a deceptively placid demeanour of nerdy shlubbiness.

Spirited away from our earthly domain, the girl awakens in the “In-between,” a heavenly surrealistic world of lush green gardens, bobbing lighthouses, crystalline ocean, and ornately-designed gazebos, where she is able to observe first-hand the shattering after-effects of her grim demise upon the people she loves. While her anguished father becomes consumed with the need for closure — an obsession which causes a dreadful rift between the two Salmon parents — and Grandma Lynn is forced to take dominance over the broken household, Susie’s inquisitive older sister Lindsey (Rose McIver) begins to stir animalistic cravings within Mr. Harvey’s unhinged mind. Eager for revenge against her killer and desperately yearning for her family to heal, Susie becomes stuck in limbo, unable to move onto the next stage of the afterlife until she can find solace in her present situation and leave her cherished former life behind.

In its earliest stages, prior to Susie’s regrettable exit, Jackson’s direction feels confident and restrained, carefully drawing the viewer into the immaculately-recreated 1970s-period setting and allowing us to settle comfortably into the wholly ordinary — yet ominously foreboding — daily life of the Salmon clan. He makes us genuinely care for these people, for their modest hopes and dreams, and understands exactly how to twinge our fragile human sympathies when necessary. Indeed, when Tucci’s perverted killer makes his presence fully known, casually convincing Susie to step into his underground hide-out, it’s akin to being locked in an emotional vice, unable to turn away from the unavoidable tragedy chillingly taking place on-screen.

Unfortunately, it’s at this crucial point that the crippling limitations of the patchwork screenplay by Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Philippa Boyens, rear their ugly head and The Lovely Bones scatters in multiple directions at once. Although the story is ostensibly intended to be an intimate study of a family in turmoil, the script unforgivably condenses the Salmons’ poignant journey into a superficial series of un-involving bullet-points (Weisz’ character, in particular, feels criminally short-changed) with the occasional inappropriate comedic montage tossed in to alleviate the gloom. It’s perhaps a sign of the film’s borderline cynical nature that the unsavoury murderer is given a more satisfying and well-developed character arc than Susie’s mourning loved ones.

The Lovely Bones’ biggest bungle, though, is in how Jackson chooses to portray Susie’s psychedelic, prog-rock album cover-esque trip through the magical “In-between” zone. Exploiting the potential of gaudy CGI to its fullest, the director creates a fantasy-land which, more often than not, comes across like Ronan standing in front of a splashy demo-reel. These dreary segments, which constitute a large chunk of the film’s run-time, feel utterly disconnected from the rest of the work and lead to numerous jarring edits when the story bounces clumsily between its two contrasting realms.

If there is an upside to this often disastrous — yet bizarrely watchable — work, it’s that Jackson’s inherent brilliance as a filmmaker does manage to make itself known from time-to-time, such as during a nail-bitingly tense house investigation sequence. Sure, these moments are quickly overshadowed by the flick’s insufferably inept storytelling, or unintentionally hilarious bits (don’t even get me started on the inexplicably dragged-out climax involving a safe that seems to take upwards of an hour to move 10 feet), but they act as a pleasant oasis in the middle of an otherwise barren entertainment desert. Still, for the good of Peter Jackson’s otherwise-impeccable filmography and future, I propose that The Lovely Bones be swiftly buried in a shallow grave, preferably unmarked.

2 out of 5

*Originally printed in SFU's The Peak: Jan 25th, 2010.

The Worst Films of 2009!

Before delving into my Top 10 Worst Films of 2009, I’d like to make clear that this list is not without its glaring omissions. I never subjected myself to All about Steve, Old Dogs or The Hottie and the Nottie. I avoided Bride Wars and Miss March like the plague. I also made sure to not buy a ticket to Planet 51.

I did see New Moon and Transformers 2 but they fell more into the “forgettably mediocre” category than the “unwatchable” one.

So, basically, this list really represents the most unbearable movie-watching experience I did end up enduring this year, the films that either caught me by complete, horrified surprise, or I went in gritting my teeth for.

Anyhoo, onto the list!

1) HALLOWEEN II If Rob Zombie’s remake of John Carpenter’s 1978 original was uninspired and hackneyed, his sequel is an utterly embarrassing catastrophe; a wildly miscalculated attempt at creating an artsy slasher film through hokey pop-psychology, tin-eared humour, migraine-inducing surrealism and chaotically-edited, emotionless brutality. Despite the best efforts of a game, if stiff, cast, the once-promising director drags this project through the sordid muck and grime every chance he gets, producing an excruciatingly ugly exercise in banal cruelty without momentum or a glimmer of intelligence. Halloween II proves that even the formidable Michael Myers is no match for a crazed Zombie.

2) SORORITY ROW I personally guarantee that viewing this mean-spirited slasher picture will leave you desiring a shower well before the drawn-out, tawdry conclusion. Director Stewart Hendler has created a truly hateful, sleazy slice of nasty misogyny with Sorority Row, a mind-numbing murder mystery featuring a band of repulsive, racist, venom-tongued, alcoholic super-sluts attempting to figure out the identity of a cloaked, tire-iron-wielding executioner. Making up his female cast like Hastings Street hookers and eagerly searching for new methods of degrading them, the pervy helmer ignores building intensity or terror in favour of killing their dignities on-screen in as gruesome a fashion as possible.

3) THE UNBORN Intended to be a Jewish variation of The Exorcist, the relentlessly dour and dull The Unborn, written and directed by David S. Goyer, feels like a potpourri of out-dated, recycled ideas. Creepy-crawly bugs? Check. Spooky, wide-eyed children? Check. Nightmarish nocturnal visions of sinister animals? Check. Twitching, sputtering victims of demonic possession? Check. A frequently underwear-clad young woman (possible Real Doll© Odette Yustman) with a mysterious past? You know it. The fact that none of these venerable-if-ill-fitting elements add up to a single memorable moment of genuine fright? Now, THAT’S scary!

4) GAMER Not content to stick to their absurd Crank franchise, creative duo Neveldine/Taylor instead turned their ADD-riddled attentions to this fractured and thin attempt at social commentary, which would be laughable if it weren’t so damn grating. Pulling from their now-tired bag of tricks – which includes random blasts of graphic sex and nudity, dripping gore, epilepsy-triggering action, and general perversity – the directorial dunderheads attempt to viciously criticize their general fan-base while alternately following the adventures of Gerard Butler’s character, a prisoner taking part in a real-life video-game. Light on excitement and fun, long on deafening obnoxiousness, Gamer’s plug should have been pulled during the script-phase.

5) UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS A stale prequel to 2003’s clunky vampires vs. werewolves smack-down extravaganza Underworld, Rise of the Lycans attempts to mine dramatic gold from the Jesus Christ-like sufferings of wolf-leader Lucian (a pay-check cashing Michael Sheen), but draws only snores and the listless eye-rolls. Seemingly shot on a single, small, under-dressed soundstage, the film is a tacky-looking, talky supernatural groaner that forsakes any attempts at creativity in favour of half-heartedly aping Spartacus, Gladiator and Braveheart. By the way: that sucking noise you hear isn’t coming from the movie’s vampires. Nope, it’s the sound of Screen Gems pictures draining every last possible cent from their insipid flat-lining franchise.

6) NINJA ASSASSIN Following the release of 2005’s sophisticated and thrilling V for Vendetta, director James McTeigue looked like a rising star to be reckoned with; a virtuoso talent with genuine action chops and a flair for epic dramatic storytelling. However, after enduring his sophomore effort Ninja Assassin, I think we may need to start re-evaluating our expectations. By attaching his once-respectable name to such an irritatingly humourless, inert martial arts pot-boiler, populated by stony one-dimensional characters engaging in drearily incomprehensible CG-addled fight scenes, McTeigue has committed what can only be described as film career seppuku.

7) STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI It takes a pretty major debacle to make 1994’s Jean-Claude Van Damme-led Street Fighter: The Movie look good by comparison, but "The Legend of Chun-Li" does just that. Starring Smallville’s Kristin Kreuk as the titular Chinese(!) ass-kicker, the film pilfers most of its key scenes and crucial plot-points from Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, but strips them of technique and emotional resonance. Filled with unintentionally comic dialogue, robotic acting – minus Chris Klein’s side-splittingly atrocious performance as swaggering cop Charlie Nash – and wooden martial arts battles, this second Street Fighter is yet another sluggish video-game adaptation in desperate need of a creative power-up.

8) OBSESSED The biggest sin committed by this trashy hit is that it completely misunderstands the appeal of its inspiration Fatal Attraction. By removing all moral greyness and egotism from male lead Idris Elba, we’re left with a soppy victimized nonentity, devoid of complexity, guilt or inner-conflict, forced to sit impotently on the sidelines while his no-nonsense lioness wife (Beyonce Knowles) heroically saves him - through gloriously campy cat-fight fisticuffs – from sultry, 95-pound stalker Ali Larter. Director Steve Shill also eradicates all erotic charge from the lurid premise, making Obsessed feel as limp as its emasculated protagonist.

9) YEAR ONE Is there anything funnier than seeing Michael Cera and Jack Black stand listlessly around in animal-print loin clothes? Not in Year One, that’s for sure. Apparently written over a weekend by The Office scribes Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg, along with director Harold Ramis, the flick feels like an inane artefact of the early 80s; an expensive, high-concept comedicus stupidicus boasting a hard-working, but visibly mortified, cast of improv all-stars (Hank Azaria, Oliver Platt and David Cross, to name a few) frantically attempting to draw the audience’s attention away from their silly costumes. Fortunately, with this pathetic, laugh-free clinker stumbling at the box-office, any chances of Year Two occurring are completely extinct...

10) X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE Yikes, even Wolvie’s enhanced healing powers may be helpless to restore his box-office vitality after the heavy blow dealt by Origins, a clumsy not-so-superhero blockbuster-in-name-only. Costing $150 million, but boasting bargain-basement CG effects, paper-thin supporting mutants and a script comprised of plot-holes so gaping that the X-Jet could soar through them, the Clawed One’s first solo adventure was so hopelessly bungled that it’ll take more than an amnesia bullet to wipe its crappiness from movie-goers’ minds.

Dishonorable Mentions: NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, SURVEILLANCE, NEW IN TOWN, THE FINAL DESTINATION, OBSERVE AND REPORT, THE LOVELY BONES, COUPLE RETREAT.

The Best Films of 2009!

It seems somewhat crazy in retrospect, but, sitting at the tail end of last year – a period which produced some of the most noteworthy films of the decade - the approaching movie year of 2009 was awaited by many with a combination of trepidation and ambivalence. We were warned for months prior that, due to the lingering after effects of the WGA strike, there would be bombarded with a considerable amount of shoddily-written tent-poles and hastily-assembled projects green-lit solely to fulfill the economic needs of the business.
Indeed, there was definite cause for concern.

However, though there were certainly a few clumsy high-profile black marks (such as X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Year One), 2009 proved, intriguingly, to be the anti-hype year, with the majority of the best film-going experiences thriving on the buzz of discovery, as opposed to pre-sold satisfaction. While massively-marketed blockbusters (like Terminator: Salvation and Angels and Demons) and prestige awards-bait (Nine, Invictus, The Lovely Bones and The Informant!, to name a few) disappointed, startling word-of-mouth hits such as District 9, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, Paranormal Activity and Star Trek (A project which, prior to release, seemed destined to underperform) thrilled and moved ticket-buyers the world over.

Looking over my list, I’m inspired by the staggering originality and craftsmanship of the films on it, and I treasure the unforgettable trips each and every one took me on. These ten – and the honorable mentions, of course – exemplify the intense excitement and stunning artistry of a wonderfully rich year of movie-watching; an ideal close to an often turbulent cinematic decade.

1) INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS If Death Proof occasionally felt like Quentin Tarantino spinning his wheels, this blood-spattered ode to WWII and the liberating power of cinema is like a baseball bat to the head of mainstream filmmaking; a staggeringly grand-scale-yet-intimate effort that you yearn to dismantle just so you can decipher why its disparate parts fit together so flawlessly. From gripping intro - wherein sadistic Nazi Hans Landa (the chilling Christoph Waltz) interrogates a frightened farmer - to nightmarish conclusion, Basterds hums captivatingly along like a brutal, witty, well-oiled machine. Movies this breathtaking, innovation and unique are a dearly treasured rarity, and I’m indescribably thankful to know that – sixteen years in – Tarantino still has enough fight left in him to continue to shock and awe anyone who buys a ticket.

2) THE HURT LOCKER Appearing like an oasis in a sea of bloated political polemics, The Hurt Locker succeeds triumphantly by eschewing the hot-button issues almost entirely. Rather, in drawing us into the white-knuckle day-to-day life of Ssgt. William James (Jeremy Renner in a star-making performance), an adrenaline junkie tasked with defusing bombs in war-torn Iraq, director Kathryn Bigelow adroitly provides a nail-bitingly suspenseful you-are-there experience which, true to the movie’s “War is a Drug” tagline, leaves you feeling shaken and buzzed, yet fixing for more.

3) A SERIOUS MAN Of the numerous original characters that emerged in 2009, none were quite as tragically unforgettable as Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg), the beat-down Jewish physics professor battling to escape a suffocating hell of personal, professional and existential crises. Wearing a frazzled expression of woeful hope and, alternately, impotent dread, the bespectacled Larry’s blackly comic descent into damnation provides the bitter center to the Coen Brothers’ challenging and often deeply unsettling 60s-set absurdist odyssey. Utterly uncompromising, A Serious Man is a tantalizing cinematic enigma that attaches itself to your brain and refuses to let go. No matter how nicely you ask it.

4) UP Following in the rusty tread-marks of Wall-E, Pixar’s tenth feature-length slice of animated delight once again proved the studio to be the utmost crafters of emotionally-devastating first acts in the business, with a heart-rending, dialogue-free recap of the romantic life of Carl and Ellie Fredrickson leaving many – myself included – moist-eyed and sniffling. Luckily, Pete Docter’s Up manages to hold its course for the entire duration, shifting from thrilling adventures, to sincerity and broad comedy as buoyantly as Carl’s magnificently soaring home.

5) ADVENTURELAND Criminally under-seen during its release, writer/director Greg Mottola’s lovable amusement park coming-of-age tale deserves recognition alongside the life-affirming works of inspiration Cameron Crowe. A touching tribute to the lazy summer days and nights of low-wage employment, Adventureland, with its marvellous cast - including Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart and Ryan Reynolds - and impeccable soundtrack, lulls you into a blissful state of nostalgic joy, where even the raunchiest laughs speak to a recognizable truth. This is a movie you want to hug and treasure; a tender reminder of time gone by and of those balmy, enchanted evenings when the mysteries of the cosmos could almost be unlocked by a bright smile or an adoring gaze.

6) HARRY POTTER & THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE Silly me, I was becoming convinced that Harry Potter was beginning to run out of magic dust, following the rather lacklustre Order of the Phoenix. So it now feels pretty terrific to be eating crow, as this summer’s Half-Blood Prince proved to be the very finest of the cinematic literary adaptations. Directed with a true storyteller’s zeal by David Yates, and featuring stunning cinematography and a crackerjack performance by Jim Broadbent, the world of Hogwarts has never been as exciting, perilous or sublimely gorgeous as it is here.

7) FANTASTIC MR. FOX After a string of lukewarm disappointments, it was a dazzling, hysterical treat to witness hipster auteur Wes Anderson rediscover the beauty of his own idiosyncratic cinematic language through stop-motion technology and the sneaky, miraculous spirit of Roald Dahl. In detailing how George Clooney’s wily animal thief extraordinaire leads a trio of callous farmers on a wild goose chase, the gifted director delivers a sumptuously detailed visual banquet of a fable, replete with sharp ironic zingers, warmth and – evidenced best during a poignant encounter with a majestic lone wolf – unadulterated, entrancing wonder.

8) UP IN THE AIR Jason Reitman’s revelatory third effort – a standout in a weak year for studio-produced prestige projects - is a refreshingly adult meditation on the complexities of human connection and corporate culture. Riding confidently on the broad shoulders of George Clooney’s Ryan Bingham, a travelling professional free of personal ties, who takes on a naive protégé (Anna Kendrick) and begins a playful relationship with a similarly-spirited mystery woman (Vera Farmiga), Up in the Air expertly walks a fine line between cynism and optimism, offering plenty of truthfulness and good-natured humour. It further proves that wunderkind Reitman may just be his generation’s answer to Billy Wilder.

9) STAR TREK Jubilantly breaking free from forty years of suffocating continuity, J.J. Abrams whizz-bang reboot of Gene Roddenberry’s iconic science-fiction universe is a truly astonishing sight to behold. Soaring higher than it has in eons, this Enterprise – now staffed by a brilliantly cast new crew of space voyagers, led by the ultra-charismatic Chris Pine – takes audiences on an exhilarating and massively entertaining flight into the heart of popcorn blockbuster nirvana. Now, with a rejuvenated life-force and infinite opportunities ahead, Star Trek’s future has never been brighter.

10) DRAG ME TO HELL Francois Truffaut’s oft-quoted statement on the filmic medium was that “cinema should express either the joy of making cinema or the anguish of making cinema”. Well sir, Sam Raimi’s return to the spook-a-blast genre of his youth falls, goofy and grinning ear-to-ear, into the former; a slime-soaked tribute to the gloriously bonkers world of gypsy curses, moonlit séances and cackling possessed farm-stock. Aided by on-screen co-conspirator Alison Lohman - a good sport if ever there was one – the director unleashes one of the decade’s greatest fright-fest extravaganzas, a goofball exploration of the macabre that delivers jack-in-the-box scares with irresistibly impish glee.

Honorable Mentions: BROTHERS, (500) DAYS OF SUMMER, MOON, THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS, PRECIOUS, WATCHMEN, SUMMER HOURS (L'heure d'été), AN EDUCATION, THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE, PUBLIC ENEMIES.