Film Review - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN: Close The Book, This Franchise Is Officially Dead!

I've been going to the movies for over twenty years now, and have seen the odd advance screening. Usually they are quiet affairs, with contest winners wandering confusedly into a film they have no real knowledge of. Tonight, however I had my first run-in with Walt Disney's group of hired movie-militants. After being corralled like Mad Cow-diseased bovine, we were slowly filtered into a crude interrogation section where purses were rummaged through and warnings were issued regarding bringing recording equipment into the theatre. Then the metal detectors and even-more-formal harsh warnings and threats of audience surveillance came into play...

It was among the most demeaning experiences of my life, at least it was up until and they blasted the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua at us in deafening digital audio. As I sat there, confoundedly attempting to make some of sense of this cinematic catastrophe, and distracted by the "friendly" Disney SWAT team darting around the aisles looking for video-cameras, I was both amused and angered by the sheer insanity of it all. At the end of the day, we're just there to see a movie, not declare jihad on the downtown cineplex. It was an ugly look into the ruthless corporate entity that hides behind the Magic Kingdom. In retrospect though, I can see why they were desperately afraid that pre-release footage from Prince Caspian would get out. Because if anyone sees a few minutes of this turkey on-line in the next few days there's no way they'll be showing up at the theatres this weekend.

I reasonably enjoyed 2005's The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. It was nicely shot, with a deliciously evil and seductive villainess in Tilda Swinton's White Witch (Who shows up briefly in Caspian in a scene so awful it must be seen to be believed). She, and Liam Neeson's regal voicing of the Jesus-lion, Aslan, helped overcome some of the bumpy effects and often terrible acting from the four children at the heart of the story. It was like Lord Of The Rings-lite, engaging and amusing... And occasionally even terrific fun.

Alas, there is nothing good to say about the new follow-up, the agonizingly dull and lifeless Prince Caspian. This time around, the young heroes Peter (William Moseley), Edmund (Skandar Keynes), Lucy (Georgie Henley) and Susan (Anna Popplewell) find themselves transported back to Narnia, and in direct confrontation with the evil King Miraz (Sergio Castellitto - made to look exactly like Gerard Butler in 300), who aims to wipe the mystical inhabitants of the land off the map. To further aid his plan, he has driven the true heir to the kingdom, the titular Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) into exile. Soon the children must make an uneasy alliance with the Prince and, with the aid of the magical creatures of the forest, take back Narnia and restore it to its former glory.

While in brief synopsis form the storyline of Caspian is far from wretched, the execution is never anything less than woefully inept. Director Andrew Adamson, who helmed the previous film, as well as the first two Shrek outings, shows absolutely zero flair for the material. His shots are lifeless and devoid of energy. As well, Prince Caspian is among the cruddiest looking blockbusters in recent memory. There is a prolonged castle siege that is so muddy and foggy looking that one begins to wonder if someone spilled ink onto the print. Similarly, the sweeping fields and hills of Narnia have no splendour or majesty. They're point-and-shoot travelogue shots.

The battle scenes are particularly horrible. It's quite obvious that all of the stars are in desperate need of some extensive swordplay summer schooling, and thus every fight is a hack-and-slash edit job without grace or impact. There is a LOT of swash-buckling here, and not an iota of it looks even slightly competent. It's really pathetic when a major summer film like Narnia can't even provide a half-decent action scene.

This brings us to the acting... Or lack thereof. The young leads are hopeless, delivering all their lines in disbelieving monotones. There's no passion or drive, and they seem to care little about the apparently massive stakes of the story. Sadly though, they still manage to blow Ben Barnes right off the screen and back into central casting. I cannot recall a more bland performance by a lead actor in many a moon. This mannequin makes Hayden Christensen's prequel performances look like the work of Orson Welles. Looking like Timothy Olyphant's emo brother, and displaying limited facial mobility, Barnes mumbles his witless lines through a bizarre Greek-sounding accent that seems calculated to irritate. As well, special notice must go to the award-winningly bland villainous turn by Castellitto, who would probably have been better off as Ray Liotta's sword-boy in In The Name Of The King.

The script (HA!) for Prince Caspian, by director Adamson, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, makes sure to give each character only a single minor personality trait so as to prevent them all from congealing, in the viewer's mind, into a single mass of slithering blandness. I dare anyone to even attempt to care about a single character here! (The cute sword-slinging mouse not included). And therein lays the problem, for all the tortured (and often incomprehensible) revelations and twists in the plot, there is nothing to care about. Instead of watching a story unfold, we are subjected to simply counting off an endless amount of flat scenes until the underwhelming and plodding conclusion.

Honestly, I can't imagine there being a worse major film this summer than Prince Caspian. It is an epic blunder that kills any chance of me paying to see the next chapter, as well as any chance for an even half-decent trilogy. It's cynical audience-manipulating dreck without a single ounce of cleverness or wonder, and among the longest 2.5 hours I've ever spent in a theatre. There are going to be a lot of disappointed and bored families walking out of this clunker, and more than likely a massive number of complaints about the far-over-PG level of violence and scariness. At one point little Lucy declares "It feels like magic!" No, Lucy, Prince Caspian is where magic goes to die.

1 out of 5

Film Review - IRON MAN: Heavy Metal Wonder!

What an age we live in, when a middle-aged actor as quirky and unpredictable as Robert Downey Jr. can headline a multi-million dollar blockbuster franchise based on a B-level superhero that few are familiar with. More surprising however, which I’m pleased to report, is that Iron Man is one of the better entries in the superhero genre, as well as one of the most amusingly enjoyable film-going experiences in recent memory.

Iron Man, based on the Marvel Comics’ character created by funny-book legend Stan Lee back in 1963, is a cleverly off-beat take on the superhero mythos, featuring the most unlikely of heroes. Tony Stark (Downey Jr.), a charismatic and quick-witted billionaire arms manufacturer in the Howard Hughes mould, is critically injured and detained by Middle Eastern terrorists while conducting an overseas demonstration of his latest weapon to the U.S. military. After the fanatical group demands he build them a super-weapon, Stark takes it upon himself to instead construct a large weaponized suit to aid in his escape. After breaking out of his makeshift prison he returns to the U.S., where he realizes the impact his deadly hardware has had on the world and decides to employ his new creation in cleaning up the damage. His radical shift in ideology has profound effects on his relationships with shadowy business partner, the wonderfully named Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges), best friend and U.S. Air Force Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes (Terrence Howard) as well as his devoted and lovable personal assistant Pepper Potts, warmly played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Soon, as is typically the case, Stark must use his abilities to put an end to a super-powered threat which threatens to level the city.

Despite a relatively routine story arc, which we’ve seen used countless times in films ranging in quality from Spider-Man to Ghost Rider, the key to Iron Man’s success is its willingness to write to each actor’s individual strengths and not allow the effects to trump the character work. Robert Downey Jr. is nothing less than a revelation here, making Tony Stark a study in humorous odd-ball behaviour. He delightfully portrays the fierce and perceptive intelligence of Stark, while simultaneously underscoring each moment with droll witticisms and off-beat observations. Most importantly, he effortlessly convinces us that this 43-year-old eccentric really could strap on enough heavy metal to make Ronnie James Dio blanch and save the day.

In fact, it’s surprising in retrospect how close Downey’s performance comes to completely overshadowing the special effects eye-candy. Taking a page from the Batman Begins playbook, director Jon Favreau makes the wise decision to emphasize Tony Stark’s personality and relationships over the scenes featuring Iron Man blowin’ stuff up real good. To this end, Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges provide great support, and while both a tad under-used, make their archetypal roles feel alive. Likewise, Gwyneth Paltrow is ideal, providing her and Downey Jr.’s scenes with a kinetic bouncy energy, while still managing to subtly hint at their unspoken amorous yearnings. The duo’s rapid-fire conversations play as perfect homage to the great Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn screwball comedies of yore (Go rent Bringing Up Baby NOW!), and are refreshingly mature and free of nausea-inducing romantic clichés. As well, I really appreciated the fact that these two are no longer lovestruck kids with cloudy minds, but instead capable professionals who understand the daunting prospects of love. They are realists as opposed to idealists.

The special effects by the brainchildren at Industrial Light and Magic are inventive and nearly flawless. As a realized creation, Iron Man is among the best looking effects-driven heroes, with realistic weight and mobility. More importantly, the CG is used in service of the story, instead of in place of it. Iron Man may dart around the sky like a hyperactive projectile, but we never overlook the human being inside the tin-can.

If I have one complaint about Iron Man, it’s the somewhat underwhelming super-villain material. Due to the film focusing its energies towards telling a great origin tale, the development of the arch-nemeses is a bit rushed. The best villains, such as Dr. Octopus and Joker, thrive on a fair share of on-screen development, and Iron Man’s baddie isn’t in the same league. The final battle is more perfunctory than essential, and when compared to the more impressive mano-et-mano's in Spider-Man 2 or X2 comes up pretty short. Here's hoping for a more iconic villain in the future, such as Mandarin or, if dreams come true, Fin Fang Foom.

Downey Jr. and company have crafted a smart and wildly entertaining blockbuster, a rare feat, and Iron Man is guaranteed to thrill and amuse even the most cynical of viewers. In addition, they’ve laid some great foundation for what will likely prove to be an even more fantastic sequel. See you in 2010, Iron-fans.


4 out of 5

P.S.: I hope the next installment also pushes the boundaries of the genre a little more. The best superhero flicks, Tim Burton's and Chris Nolan's Batman's, Spider-Man 1 and 2, and Superman: The Movie and the underrated Returns all aimed to be great films, not just great comic-book films. I'm eager to see Iron Man 2 strengthens its geo-political messages and shows a tad more ambition and style.

One Face, Two-Face, Three Face, Gore-Face.

Having a conscience is somewhat detrimental in the world of online film writing. So much of our time is given to revealing secrets, such as Venom's visage or Dennis Quaid's pathetic lack of dignity in the face of Steven Sommers, that when something really juicy comes along we have a tendency to think of the story before the reader.

This is the case with this entry, where I have a fairly big spoiler that is a major leak to the feverishly awaited The Dark Knight. It would appear that we finally have a crystal clear glimpse at what we can expect Aaron Eckhart's Two-Face to look like. Now, I'm going to post this pic further down in the article so that those of you who want to avoid it can simply click away to something else. Maybe match.com or whatever. So, proceed no further if you want to walk into Dark Knight free of spoiler-age.

Anyone left? No? Hmmm... See, I'm costing myself readers with my unusually sincere consideration... Well, anyways, we all recall that abomination that Joel Schumacher birthed back in 1995: an unholy marriage of neon extravagance and mental retardation, Two-Face '95 was nothing less than a swift kick to the crotch for every dedicated Bat-fan optimistically walking into the theatre in those grim, hopeless days of summer. I've ranted about it before, but just allow me this indulgence, I'm setting a scene. Two-Face '95, with his bright purple face and tiger striped suits was about as threatening as those Batsuit nipples. Actually, less so.

Flash forward to now. We, the legion of survivors of the Schumacher era, can now stand tall and cease the endless sobbing into our pillows. Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan has done right, helping heal those old wounds. We may still shudder uncontrollably whenever we hear Seal's Kiss From A Rose, but we now have a Two-Face to embrace and shower with geek-love.

As witnessed in this concept art photo that was leaked yesterday, Two-Face '08 is nothing less than horrifyingly awesome. Gone is the green/purple burn marks, replaced by exposed bone, ropy sinew, and charred skin. Going the more realistic route, similar to Heath Ledger's brilliant Joker update, Nolan has created a fairly true-to-life horror that promises to be every bit as transfixing as the Clown Prince of Crime.

This does a lot for my confidence in the inevitable third film. Joker is a tough act to follow, especially judging from everything we've seen thus far. But I have complete faith now in Aaron Eckhart taking over lead-villain reigns with gusto and vigour, and aiding in providing a satisfying and intelligent final chapter to the planned trilogy.

However, I do have to wonder about the parental outrage that will result from children staring at this repulsive mug. A simple memory of '92 will recall the controversy over the darkness of Batman Returns, and how parents protested its family-unfriendly atmosphere. Everything that has been released regarding Dark Knight hints towards a similar lack of "brightness". In fact, at this point it’s hard to imagine the film getting less than an R-rating, though if Live Free Or Die Hard could squeak by, I image Warner Bros' diamond tiara property likely will too...

Either way, this leak only intensifies my undying devotion to seeing this film on July 18th, hopefully at 12:01am. We may not see much more than a cameo from our friendly neighborhood burn victim, but it'll undoubtedly be a billion times more rewarding than all 2 hours of Batman Forever. Start the countdown Bat-fans...

I'll be back tomorrow with my Iron Man review.
____________________________________________________________________
Oh by the way, I know I promised to cease with any more Pro-Joe propoganda, but here's the first Destro photo. Yup, guy in suit. Will wonders never cease? What I really love is that his full name is James McMillan Destro XXIV. That means thirteen other poor souls had to wield that ridiculous moniker. As far as looks go, Christopher Eccleston is a non-event. Kinda skinny, old and bland. That may have worked for Gone In Sixty Seconds, but for G.I. Joe... That's just plain sad.

Thanks again Stephen Sommers for another brilliant reinterpretation of a childhood favorite. I eagerly await the newest Sgt. Slaughter in a wrestling unitard.

Film Review - DECEPTION: Don't Deceive Yourself Into Seeing This Piece Of Suckage!!!

It’s a telling sign when a major star vehicle is dumped into a busy box-office weekend with little advertising or buzz. Occasionally it’s due to a studio’s blind ignorance towards a good film, such as last year’s The Assassination of Jesse James, but the majority of the time it is because the film is an inept disaster. Deception belongs in the latter category, a clumsy erotic thriller that curiously fails to be either erotic or thrilling.

The film introduces us to Jonathan McQuarry (Ewan McGregor), a nebbish accountant for Manhattan’s most under-populated corporate office. One late night he is befriended by sleazy lawyer Wyatt Bose (Hugh Jackman) who decides to help Jonathan break his routines and find some excitement in life. He does this by “accidentally” switching cell phones with the clueless accountant, and providing him the opportunity to join a secret high-profile sex club, where professionals of all walks of life meet anonymously in sparse, high priced hotel rooms to engage in poorly staged, slow-motion sexual activities. Despite the initial glee Jonathan experiences, he soon falls for one of his dates, a mysterious woman played by Michelle Williams. Their date goes horribly wrong however, and soon Jonathan is on the run, while Wyatt’s sinister motivations are revealed.

The basic set-up of Deception has a certain lurid potential. However, the sex club material is extremely poorly handled, and not really necessary to the central plot of the film. Wyatt and Jonathan could have joined a skeet-shooting fraternity and the story would not have suffered. This conceit could be forgiven if the twists which populate the film weren’t so frustratingly mundane. Screenwriter Mark Bomback, who penned last summer’s Live Free or Die Hard, seems unable to reveal a single surprise without telegraphing it twenty minutes earlier.

Equally guilty is first time director Marcel Langenegger, who over-stylizes the film to the point of parody. He engages in endless slow-motion tracking shots of long-stretching hallways, and lingers pointlessly over every sheer white surface in the film. As well, every character is cloaked in shadows at all times, even when standing in broad daylight on a tennis court. This effect is especially damaging to the erotic aspect of the film.

Deception is filled with beautiful women, Michelle Williams obviously, but also Maggie Q. and Natasha Henstridge, all of whom have never looked worse. Done up like aging Southern Californian porn-stars and draped in eighties Skinemax queen Shannon Tweed’s cast-off’s, they immediately recall to mind the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating the woman who appeared hideous in certain lighting. It’s extremely difficult to build up any sort of sexually-charged atmosphere when the participants look like the sort of folks you’d see lurching towards you drunkenly at closing time. It also doesn't help matters that they are all one-note roles with little screen time.

The men fare no better, with McGregor in particular giving perhaps his worst performance to date. It’s hard enough to image McGregor as a socially-retarded nerd, but he doesn’t help matters with his painfully hilarious American accent. Using a bland monotone, which occasionally betrays his Scottish heritage, he frequently slips into a full-on Woody Allen impression in moments of extreme emotion. Whether hearing him whine about his desire to “consummate the deepest human needs”, or pleading for an “honest to God conversation”, he’s a character begging to be in a farce. In addition, his character plays two scenes in tightie-whities. Didn't anyone remember the golden rule: boxers for drama, briefs for comedy? Yeesh.

Jackman is also wasted, although he at least has a bit more fun. He plays up the creep-factor of his character, and at least hints at an affinity for playing figures of questionable morality. I’d like to see him take on a similar role in a film devoid of dramatic scenes of high-stakes accounting and cheesy moments ripped from The Red Show Diaries.

Deception is an unequivocal failure on every possible level, and an early candidate for the worst of 2008. In retrospect though, it’s appropriate that a major plot twist centers on faulty plumbing, as Deception is nothing less than cinematic sewage.

1 out of 5

P.S.: I love how the marketing department copycatted the film's poster from last year's infinitely superior Hugh Jackman film The Prestige. I suppose that when your movie sucks this bad your only hope is to play on people's fondness for better films. Hopefully it backfires and instead inspires the public to just go and rent the Chris Nolan film.

G.I. Blows

Wow. What a difference a couple weeks makes. Recall, if you will dearest reader, a time when the world was enthusiastic and optimistic about the impending (Summer 2009) G.I. Joe film. Why, I myself posted a gushing entry about the recently released photos of Ray Park as Snake-Eyes. Sure, it was no Jonathan Pryce, but still... Well, as can happen in this age of internet-driven fandom, joy has quickly turned to bitter, bitter rage.

See, everyone was happy with Snake-Eyes. More than happy. Prancing across the meadows like a school girl on the first day of horse camp. "Dead on!" was the general consensus. Funny though, just as people were lowering their guards, pulling oft-derided director Stephen Sommers into the warm bosom of nostalgic afterglow, the marketing department released another photo. It was of Rachel Nichols as Scarlett. I didn't post it. All fanboy ecstasy silenced. There was a palpable feeling of "Huh. It looks just like Snake-Eyes costume... Black rubber with fake muscles... Like X-Men... Well, I hope they don't ALL look like that...” Well good folks, what can I say? Stephen Sommers never fails to not disappoint, and the massive amount of leaked photos today proves just that.

As you can see, by ignoring my chatter and just looking at the pretty pictures, every character looks almost exactly the same! Like they went to the Schumacher boutique and stocked up on clichés. These photos of Channing Tatum (Duke) (Right), Rachel Nichols (Top-Right) and Marlon Wayans (Ripcord) (Left) are all identical to the Snake-Eyes design. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at Sommers' lack of creativity. Van Helsing was proof enough. But still, it’s hard not to be a tad crestfallen at the sheer lack of effort present.

But ignoring the bondage gear, what the hell is up with Dennis Quaid (Hawk) (Below Left)? Dude looks absolutely embarrassed. Jaws 3-D mortified. Is this the best we can offer to veterans of The Day After Tomorrow and Undercover Blues? Rather than spend his golden years in some respectable art films or playing supporting bits in classy Hollywood fare, Quaid is stuffed into a campy ill-fitting army suit. Can you feel his shame from looking at this photo? It's uncomfortable and makes me sad. He may lead the Joes, but he still looks like a man who decided to try on his High School Halloween costume. It’s such a trainwreck that I want you to just look at it for a second. Click on it for a full screen and see if it burns your retinas as bad as mine. You can practically see his soul dying! LOOK AT IT!!!

Hmmm, so anyways, the blonde chickaroo is apparently a Victoria's Secret model (whom Sommers' probably "auditioned") named Karolina Kurkova (Right). I have no idea who she's playing. IMDB claims that it’s a character named Courtney A. Kreiger. Seeing as how she's 16th billed, I don't think it really matters who she is. Still, her costume is the least painful as it is the most generic. Thank the lord for small mercies.

That just leaves the bad guys for last. Is there a less intimidating presence than Sienna Miller (Left with Lee) in Matrix-like black leather??? Girl's 5'5, built like a waif, and rocking a really bad wig. Couldn't they at least have cast someone even semi-threatening? Gina Gershon could've done wonders, but I guess she would have been far over the cast's general age of 26... (Not including Quaid. We all know he's the father figure here.). My guess is that the production company was so thrilled to get someone with semi-competent acting chops that they were more than willing to ignore the blatant miscasting. Funny how she and Rachel Nichols look like the Blandsie twins...

As well, we have Storm Shadow. At least I think that's who it is, as Storm Shadow wears a mask... Whatever, I'll just assume he'll put it on for fight scenes and such. I dunno, Byung-hun Lee looks like a fine choice but the outfit is, again, like a bad Matrix rip. Why overcomplicate things? Just put him in a white ninja-suit and people would be thrilled! Instead, we get a goofy leather get-up that looks too "designed". Whatever, I said I'd post Storm Shadow, here he is.

I was sorta looking forward to posting released photos as they appeared and geeking out over them along with the rest of you. Not gonna be the case now. I'll still post Cobra Commander and Destro when they are leaked, but it'll be in a sparse little blurb at the bottom of a story on something more worthy of my invaluable time. Like The Love Guru. Or Meet Dave.

I'm still kinda optimistic that G.I. Joe will be a fun nostalgia kick, but it’s hard to have much faith when the earliest releases are this bad. I hope you disagree with me, but I suspect you don't. Only one thing can turn this whole fiasco around: Jonathan Pryce as The President pics! You know what I'm talking about!

Later folks. I'll see about the possibility of a Forgetting Sarah Marshall review this week. As well, I'm pretty much locked for a review of the Hugh Jackman/Ewan McGregor "erotic thriller" (Oh dear...) Deception (Isn't that a great title?). See you soon and thanks for stopping by. I'll try to crank these soulless rants out quicker.

R.I.P. Charlton Heston (1924-2008)

I can't believe I'm writing another celebrity obituary... Y'see, when I started this clumsy excuse for tireless movie-related whining I made a pledge to veer stealthily away from anything that focussed on the celebrity aspect of Hollywood. I was in it for the art! And Batman flicks... But, I suppose any true credibility I could have once declared was officially null when I wrote 1200 words on the impending Mummy 3. So, dignity be-damned, I am here tonight to say a few words about a beloved icon of cinema that passed away last night. I'm talkin' bout the Chuck!

Many young people growing up are exposed to certain idols of olde Hollywood which they forever associate with the era's past. Whether it is Judy Garland, Jimmy Stewart or Rory Calhoun, there is an odd sense of magic about them. They lived in a time we, as ignorant youngsters, have no comprehension of. For me, that man was Charlton Heston.

As a wee lad, there was one particular Easter tradition that never failed to elicit indifference from me and my sister. And that was the annual viewing of Ben-Hur. See, my dad attended the theatrical showing of said Hollywood epic back in 1959 and was forever altered. We actually have an old-skool hardcover programme for it around here somewhere. Probably underneath the "How to Raise Problem Children" books (Not me, my sister. I swear!). It was his Star Wars, in a sense. So, his unbridled enthusiasm was projected onto me every year starting when I was about 6 or so. While the film became a beloved favorite over the years, to be honest, at the time all I really recall was being troubled by the slave ship material, and freaked out of my ever-lovin' buster browns by the damn lepers. Oh, I think I thought the chariot race was cool though...

What's funny though, is that while the movie (at the time) wasn't a favorite, I had an odd amount of respect for Mr. Heston. There was a seriousness about him that was also sort of inviting. He could be intense and still give off a weird twinkly glow from his eerily sharp blue eyes. The man personified what I would consider "old movie guys", and yet had a sense of timelessness about him.

Flash forward to now (Roughly 21 years later), I write this blog as an impassioned movie viewer, who lives and breathes the history and future of cinema. I've delved through the careers of untold classic actors, gaining great appreciation for so many that the "good ol' days" had to offer, and yet few project the mythical stature that Mr. Heston did.

He was a man who brought authority and immeasurable weight to any project he did. Sure, it’s easy to cite his Oscar-winning performance in Ben-Hur, The Big Country, or his splendid work in Orson Welles' A Touch Of Evil (As a Mexican!), and preach about his skills in understanding the nuances of his character's psychology. Heck, one could even go into depth about his breakthrough work in 1952's Oscar-winning The Greatest Show On Earth... But that's not the Charlton Heston that I've grown to love over endless hours of movie-going. No, the Heston that means the most to me is the man who appeared in Planet Of The Apes, Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, Soylent Green, and Earthquake. While many actors would have slept-walked through these particular types of genre film, Heston stepped up to the plate and delivered ten-fold. He enhanced the positive qualities within those scripts and helped craft classic entertainments that would prove to outlive the majority of his "serious" work.

His fearlessness in going BIG with those roles signalled his shift from actor into icon. Many imitated his scenery-chewing line deliveries ("SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!", "IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MAAAAADHOUSE!!!"), but that was only a sign that what he was doing was working. I would argue that he became as similar in legendary status as the great John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. He was a towering figure of pure machismo, free of irony, and a monument to cinema's proud tradition of strong male protagonists. Those fine gentlemen, as well as fellow actors Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen and Lee Marvin, paved the way for the 80's boom of the Schwarzenegger’s and Stallone’s. Heck, I can think of few more iconic moments in tough guy history than when ol' Chuck showed up, chompin' stogies, as Arnold's boss in True Lies. It was the recognition of Hollywood past and future. He also inspired one of The Simpsons' greatest characters: Troy McGlure, which also ain't too shabby...

What is sad, however, is that with his passing, we have one less classic Hollywood alpha-male archetype around. The age of self-improvement books, irony, and metro-sexuality have all but put a stake in the heart of the rugged type of masculinity that was once a driving force in entertainment. So, the passing of Heston, for me, also symbolizes the further vanishing of a beloved era of artistic achievement.

Heston was a man who worked hard, and fought for his beliefs no matter how controversial. His status as an NRA spokesman unfairly cast a pall over his later years. You show me an 80-year-old who doesn't hold stubborn conservative beliefs and I'll rethink my position on Batman Forever. So, I'd just like to draw as much attention to Mr. Heston's invaluable voice in promoting civil rights, as well as his outspoken opposition to the Vietnam War. No matter what he was fighting for he did it with complete conviction and unwavering confidence, and I don't think that is something to be flippantly dismissed.

But aside from all that, he was an impassioned performer who changed lives through his work. He gave us a persona that we could root for not matter what the odds. He was effortlessly strong, while never failing to exhibit an emotional connection with the audience. He was one of the best of the old school Boy's Club, and probably one of the reasons I'm inspired to do what I do to this day. So, thanks for the memories, Mr. Heston, and I'll be sure to introduce my own children to one Judah Ben-Hur... Just like I was so many years ago.

P.S.: Extra special thanks for your beyond brilliant cameo in Wayne's World 2. It's been endlessly quoted and pontificated over by my sister and I since 1993. "One perfect day on Gordon Street...."

Coming In July...

Hey folks, I'm gonna get into the summer movie spirit and post a little teaser for an event that will be beginning on Friday, July 11th, and carrying on until The Dark Knight's release on the 18th.

It'll be called "7 Days of the Bat" and it's gonna be fun. Look for it here at Cam's Pop-Culture Episodes this summer.

More to come...

Film Review: DRILLBIT TAYLOR - The Blase Blonde Bungled In Budget Bodyguard Bomb.

Before diving into my review of Drillbit Taylor, I have to make clear my status as a dedicated fan of the work of Mr. Owen Wilson. While the cool kids prefer to only wax poetic over the brilliance of his droll collaborations with director Wes Anderson, best displayed in the acidic The Royal Tenenbaums, I’m one of many who derives equal amounts of joy from Wilson’s carefree Zen-like performances in films like The Wedding Crashers, Meet the Parents, and the criminally underrated Shanghai Noon series. Heck, I even paid to see Behind Enemy Lines and I Spy in theatres, and if that isn’t a declaration of my fandom I don’t know what is.

However, as I’ve followed Wilson’s career, from Armageddon lows to Tenenbaum highs, I’ve come to understand that the success of the Wilson persona depends entirely on the strength of his collaborators. So, when it was announced that Drillbit Taylor would team him with mega-producer Judd Apatow and co-writer Seth Rogen, the devious brainchildren behind the fresh and hilarious trifecta of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up and Superbad, I was nearly giddy with anticipation. Sadly, however, sitting in the darkened theatre my excitement quickly began to dwindle. It’s an established rule that the success of comedy depends heavily on tonal consistency, and in that regard Drillbit is a mess.

It's unfortunate, as the set-up is perfectly serviceable, with Wilson playing the titular character, an aimless drifter and U.S. army deserter, who is hired by three geeky high school freshmen (Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile and David Dorfman) to act as a personal bodyguard against a pair of nasty bullies. Initially seeing the hopeless trio as an easy way of financing his trip to the promised land of northern Canada, he worms his way into their lives, infiltrating their school as a substitute teacher. However, as the viciousness of the bullying increases, Drillbit must decide between friendship and financial gain.

While the plot works on a superficial level, the film is a hopeless study in disjointedness. The world inhabited by the teens and Drillbit is a cheerfully sunny suburban California landscape, where adult authority is nearly non-existent, except for punch-lines and dramatic necessity. As well, the teens are bland carbon-copies of the hilarious Superbad trio (Including a truly pathetic attempt at a mini-McLovin), who are so innocuous that they might as well be members of the Little Rascals. The problem is, these elements clash horribly with the bully subplot, which is so violent that it becomes disturbing. The bully, played by Alex Frost, who starred as a Columbine-like killer in Gus Van Sant’s Elephant (Bizarre type-casting or coincidence?), is so relentlessly grim and psychotic that he drags the film down every time he appears. Bullying is rarely funny, but less so when there are actually attempts at committing murder.

A talented supporting cast of comedic talents also fail to connect. Stephen Root, Adam Baldwin, Frank Whaley, David Koechner and Danny McBride are all wasted, with the audience expected to find hilarity simply in their being there. Only Leslie Mann, as a randy English teacher, manages to consistently deliver. The scenes featuring her and Wilson riffing off each other are sharp and clever, and hint at what the movie really should have been about.

Wilson does what he can, though he has fewer moments of blasé brilliance than usual. It’s always brutal to watch a comedic actor flounder, and the whiff of desperation grows stronger throughout the film. He gets little assistance from director Steven Brill, who continues his streak of slap-dash film-making, as previously on display in the Adam Sandler “classics” Mr. Deeds and Little Nicky.

Drillbit Taylor isn’t a horrible film, simply a woefully misguided one. Here’s hoping that it’s only a temporary set-back for Apatow, and that Owen Wilson will return and amaze us all anew in the forthcoming Night at the Museum 2: Escape from The Smithsonian... Well, I can hope, can’t I?

2 out of 5.

P.S.: Rap battle scenes never have been, or never will be funny. This movie is further proof of that fact. Word.

G.I. JOE: First Publicity Pics A (Snake)EYE-ful

Hey there, just a short update (It's 12:30am and I'm too tired to rattle on like a dementia- crazed Floridian). Now, I'm sure any of you wandering over to this inconsistently updated corner of the web-verse are well educated on the upcoming G.I. Joe film adaptation. It's been covered half to death over at aintitcool.com and the most excellent chud.com. But before I get to the news, an update for the confused.

Stephen Sommers (Pictured right), the mastermind behind the Mummy series and Deep Rising... Not to mention Van Helsing... God, did that movie suck! A joyless exercise in CG buffoonery! Man, those were two hours of my life I'll never get back... You know, I don't know why I'm wasting space talking about anything that goblin hack is associated with! Oh yeah, I remember! See, as much as I dislike the directorial ineptitude of Sommers, I do have a soft spot for G.I. Joe.

Now, when I say I have a soft spot, I am in no way trying to call myself out as a super-fan. I never had many figures or watched the show (My mom wouldn't let me! I know, sacrilege!!!), but I have fond memories of spending hours with my friends Mark, Iain and Ben creating massive efforts of action-figure driven mayhem. So, when I say I look forward to a G.I. Joe movie, it’s for that simple nostalgia of two or three kids sitting on the front lawn imagining violently horrific acts that were probably psychology harming.

But back to the flick, G.I. Joe: The Movie, which is underway now (And due to be released summer 2009). A slight alteration: they are now a global taskforce as opposed to an American power. Probably a good idea for foreign business. So far, the cast includes: Dennis Quaid (Day After Tomorrow, Jaws 3D) as Hawk, Channing Tatum (Step Up) as Duke, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (3rd Rock From The Sun, The Lookout) as Cobra Commander (Apparently a pivotal character in the movie who will begin on the side of good and transform into the bitchy narcissist we know and love by film's end.), Sienna Miller (Stardust, Layer Cake) as Baroness, Rachel Nichols (P2) as Scarlett, Christopher Eccleston (28 Days Later) as Destro (The film's main villain), Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (!!!) (Get Rich And Die Trying) as Heavy Duty, Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie, Requiem For A Dream) as Ripcord, Arnold Vosloo (The Mummy) as Zartan, Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow and most exciting of all: Jonathan Pryce (Pirates Of The Caribbean trilogy) as "The President".

Now let’s delve deeper into that Jonathan Pryce casting! What I've always found fascinating about Jonathan Pryce is his ability to find the emotionally duality of his character. Why, his "President" will no doubt be a scintillating study in the corrupting power of the military industrial complex over political independence...

Oh wait, who cares?! No, let's get to the real enchilada, the reason I'm wasting your time and mine in posting this update. I wanna talk about Snake-Eyes! No, not the Nicolas Cage movie! Though I could happily discuss that wretched Brian DePalma debacle for hours... Anyways, I'm referring, obviously, to everyone's favorite mute, black-clad ninja-assassin. Well, as was announced a while back, he'll be portrayed by Ray Park (Pictured right), he who was Darth Maul and Toad in X-Men, as well as his most popular character: A.J. Ross in Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever! Park, a killer martial artist, is frankly the largest reason I'm psyched to see this flick. Snake-Eyes, the biggest fan-fave, has to potential to be an awesome vehicle to show off Park's skills and agility. Hopefully Sommers, after finishing "Directing For Dummies", re-watched Star Wars: Episode I and made notes. Give this guy long shots and long takes. No crappy Bourne-style camera work. No MTV-editing. This is obviously all speculation, as its unlikely Sommers has the ability to write, but I can hope and pray that Park finally gets a good launching pad that could get his first dream project, a film adaptation of Marvel's Iron Fist, off and running.

Oh, and to please you rabid Snake-Eyes fans, here's two awesome shots of Park in full regalia. I'm gonna just post them big, and not scrunch them up amongst my desperate-for-attention yammering. Enjoy.

















Okay guys, that's them! I'll try to post the first Destro and Cobra Commander pics as well whenever they surface. AND I PROMISE to get the first Jonathan Pryce as "President" pics! I can easily squeeze 1000 words outta those! Speaking of which, I'm actually close to that point now, so I'm gonna git to bed. I'm tired and have to work tomorrow. Check back soon for more wacky Jonathan Pryce-related news here as Cam's P.(ryce)-C.(entred) Episodes.





Heh heh heh... You said it, Johnny-boy! You rocked in Tomorrow Never Dies!