7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 5: BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

“Men, always doing things the hard way.” She’s right and she knows it. She’s got sass, spunk and a whole lotta attitude! Some would call her bossy or a pain in the bat-butt, but she’s independent, dammit! She’s gonna pay her own bills, dominate the weaker wills and kick bad guy keister straight across the hills! She’s both a clumsily portrayed modern woman and the embodiment of all that Joel Schumacher hath horribly wrought. From hardcore biker bad-girl to rubber-suited avenger goddess, she’s a firestar amidst a world of ice, snow and lame puns. Her film is Batman & Robin, her name is Batgirl and this, regretfully, is 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 5.

Well, we all knew what was coming this-a-time around. There were no illusions of classic Bat-action or intrigue. No chances of feeling anything other than resentment and spiteful hostility. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze? Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl? Batman and Robin on bat-skates? The return of the neon street gangs? Yup, we all knew what we were in for.

And yet we mostly all still showed up. Why? Cuz it’s Batman, that’s why! And a Batman film, no matter how disastrously desecrated, is still worth my $10. That is why I have money management problems... But anyways, I recall being annoyed by the repeat of the “chicks dig the car” bit (Who decided THAT was worth recycling???), and Mr. Freeze’s groan-inducing punny business, but then a funny thing happened: I began to find enjoyment in the frenzied inanity. Oh, it was awful alright, but absorbingly so. There was hardly a single moment that didn’t feel like being kicked in the crotch with steel toes, and yet I was transfixed. I was also amused how much of a recycle job it was of Batman Forever.

As with Forever, we get the same type of Warner Bros. logo /credit sequence. Then we get Batman (now with Robin) in the Batcave, with Alfred giving exposition, and the Physical Villain being introduced (Two-Face in Forever, Mr. Freeze here.) We then suffer through a lousy fight scene with said villain, in which Batman (and now Robin) end up trapped in a rapidly elevating cylinder shaped object (Safe suspended by helicopter/Rocket thing-a-majig). The villain’s flying vehicle is destroyed, and the heavy escapes by parachute/glider wings. Only this time we get sky-surfing scenes (Batman and Robin defy gravity A LOT in B&R) that is a veritable mess-hall of pixels. Villain then gets away, and so forth. Then, as Villain A is being discussed, and their intentions discovered, the Manipulative Villain (Villain B) shows up. They are bespectacled, nerdy, and obsessive about their life’s work (Brain box/Plants). They are dressed down by their wacko bosses, and mentally/physically hurt. Then there is a transformation, they kill their boss and dress in green. Now they are the Riddler/Poison Ivy. Oh, and there must always be a scene where their geeky alter-egos beg Bruce Wayne for scientific funding (He always turns them down!). I could keep on going, but I don’t want to. Brain-freeze. Though I will recommend you pay attention also to the similar simplistic reasons behind villain A&B teaming up, as well as the stunning resemblance with both Manipulative Villain’s final fates. Look, I don’t mind formulaic flicks. Just recycle the good stuff, not the insufferably dreadful.

I’m not going to highlight too many specific terrible moments. There are far too many, and this flick ain’t worth the space. So instead let’s examine the characters. Batman, as played by George Clooney, is not a far-cry from Adam West’s Batman. He’s goofy, prone to excessively light-hearted line-delivery, and not above skin-crawling gags. The Bat-Credit Card for example (Cha-Ching!). My favourite moment is when Batgirl shows up and, after Robin essentially saying “Can you keep a secret? Cool, you’re on the team!” he simply shrugs and calls out something like “Let’s go gang, we got work to do!”.

Schumacher may have not quite killed Batman, but he drove a neon stake through the heart of the Dark Knight. (The Dark Knight would never hang out at a cheesy charity ball...) Yet, as wretched as Clooney is in the cowl, he’s a pretty good Bruce Wayne. He is arguably one of the best at playing the playboy aspect of Wayne. As well, his scenes with Alfred are effective and in dire need of a watchable movie. Shame on the producers for only really using Michael Gough’s butler until this film!

Arnie’s Mr. Freeze is one cool customer. He likes to kick ice and then fill up his car... With anti-freeeeeeze! He says a lot of stupid stuff in Batman & Robin. In fact, that’s basically his whole character. Well, there is the dying/frozen wife thing but the film’s campiness takes a baseball bat to the knees of any encroaching poignancy. To this day I am baffled by the scene in which he leads his ridiculously attired henchmen (Another swipe from Forever) in a sing-a-long to an old frozen dessert jingle. Is this guy a brilliant, evil scientist or a brain-damaged man-child? Only Schumacher knows for sure. Mr. Freeze does look kinda... cool, with his icy blue and silver muscle suit, but he loses all potential fearsomeness once he bellows “The Iceman Cometh!”. Schwarzenegger is fine, I suppose. I mean he does what he can with sub-Conan The Destroyer material, but he's completely miscast. Patrick Stewart or Ben Kingsley would have been a better choice. Basically someone who could play "smart".

Uma Thurman’s Poison Ivy is another misstep, as she is a complete rip-off of Catwoman. Demure, neurotic professional woman? Yup. Pushed to her doom by a weirdo boss? Double yup. Awoken by her catalyst of choice (Plants/Cats) and reborn as a sexually dominant femme fatale? Triple yup. Manipulates a bigger, stronger ally? Quadruple yup. Draws the romantic interest of Batman? Well, you get the point. She also uses a whip (Okay, fine, a long vine. But it cracks all the same!) as a weapon! But while Catwoman was a worthy opponent, Poison Ivy is just really, really tiresome. There are, like, 75 shots of her love-vapours drifting around the screen. And, just to add that extra injection of irritation, her scenes are accompanied by ghastly quasi-After Hours jazz music. Oh, and her sidekick Bane is a waste of a potentially cool character. He could have just been called “retarded hanger-on”.

Chris O’Donnell takes his semi-okay Robin from Forever, and makes him a whining snot. No really, this guy cries more than an over-tired girl scout. And his weird come-ons aimed at Batgirl? Creepy.

Ah, Batgirl. What can I say? Alicia Silverstone. Street-racing. Martial arts combat. Please. I don’t even know how much to blame the actress, as she shouldn’t have been cast (Along with Elle MacPherson), and the fact that, as a character, Batgirl sucks. I love how all she has to do is discover the Bat-cave and she’s immediately promoted to de-facto super-heroine. What if MacPherson’s Julie Madison had found it too? Would she then be the Huntress? Or what about Commissioner Gordon? The Oracle? Yeesh. And despite no formal training she’s immediately given a suit and sent to battle three insane madmen bent on world domination. Jesus...

The entire film can basically be summed up by its repeated Bat-ass/crotch/nipple/breasts shots. Ooooh! Also its super-human cod-pieces. I have this icky feeling that Joel Schumacher was only using the franchise to advertize his own personal fetishes. Regardless, I have made it my first order of business to avoid the man, at all costs, for the rest of my shameful existence. At one point Batgirl asks Robin “What should we do now?” to which the Boy Wonder curtly responds “Pray!”. I imagine there was a lot of praying going on in the audience for a future when Batman flicks wouldn’t make their eyes bleed. Well, those prayers were answered. But that is another story, for another day...

Bat-Faves:

Best Bat-Dispatch:
That inexplicable scene where Batman crashes through Mr. Freeze’s vehicle’s wind-shield, followed by a cut to Batman standing over Freeze, enveloping him in his cape. It’s like he’s incubating him or something. Maybe he mistook his shiny blue head as a Dodo egg...

Best Villain-Dispatch:
When Mr. Freeze grabs a security guard’s head, and uses it to pummel another guard in the face.

Best Lines:
“In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything freezes!”– Mr. Freeze, apparently having never encountered Twinkies.
“BOMB! BOMB! BOMB!” – Bane

In-Jokes:
-Street gang dressed like the Clockwork Orange thugs at motorcycle race.
-Bane’s creation scene echoes the classic Frankenstein.
-Riddler & Two-Face costumes hang in Arkham Asylum. Do ya think they went to all the effort of dredging Two-Face’s watery grave simply for his duds?
-Ivy’s pet plant is an homage to Little Shop Of Horrors.
- Dr. Jason Woodrue (Ivy’s evil boss) appeared in DC Comics as another plant themed super-villain called The Floronic Man.Yup.
-Governor (and Predator co-star) Jesse Ventura plays an Arkham prison guard.

Worst moment:
-Aforementioned commercial jingle sing-a-long with tragic misuse of Vivica A. Fox.
-The Bat-Credit Card. Expiration: Forever. *Barfs*
-Robin leaving a Robin-logo-shaped hole in the wall after crashing through the museum wall on his motorcycle.
-Elizabeth Sanders (Bob Kane’s widow) as Gossip Gerty. Acting lessons, stat!

Success As A Batman Film:
1 out of 5

Success As A Film:
1.5 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 4: BATMAN FOREVER (1995)

“If knowledge is power, than a God am I!” he declares, an alarming flash of sadistic brilliance flickering in his eyes. He prances to and fro, clad in a form-fitting green uniform that is as snug as his mind is broad. He embodies the classic archetype of the trickster, an individual who lives only to cause mischief and play mind-games with all who would even attempt to stop his sick little game. He has no great wish to commit violence, though. No, he’d rather force his opponents to their knees in cerebral defeat, hence providing a satisfying boost to his enormous, and troublesome, ego. He speaks in puzzles and ciphers, a master of the con and an artist in the methods of tomfoolery. He’s also the only appealing aspect of Joel Schumacher’s first foray into Bat-world, the focus of today’s spotlight retrospective. He goes by the devious name of The Riddler, the film is Batman Forever, and you are reading 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 4.

Ah, how great it all could have been... I remember those blissfully ignorant spring days of 1995. I was a model of youthful excitement. Batman was coming back to movie screens! Robin was gonna be introduced! (Not sure why I was excited by this. I never really liked Robin...) Two-Face would be there! He was never on the old Batman show, and I wanted to see him in the flesh! And, my God, they were gonna have Riddler! My second favourite Bat-villain! And he would be played by my young idol, the man behind Ace Ventura and The Mask, Jim Carrey!!! Would wonders never cease??? Sure, Michael Keaton was gone, but Val Kilmer was an okay replacement I figured. He was the Ice Man! ...And the whole thing was being helmed by the former costume designer responsible for the definitive Corey Haim/Feldman vehicle... No Tim Burton for sure, but how much would THAT matter?! So, decked out in a custom made white Batman Forever t-shirt (Which I still have. I don’t know why...), I took my seat on opening night for an evening of unforgettable spectacle.

I think that may have been the moment that my childhood innocence died a horrible, twisted death. Optimism, naivety and joy were forever cast into the blazing hellfire of destroyed expectations, and I was left the bitter, cynical creature of critical bile that now presides over this petty little corner of the blog-verse. This is the house that Batman Forever built.

I don’t know where to begin, so let’s just wander through the bedlam together. In place of the dark, sinister majesty of Burton’s Gotham City stood an ugly, synthetic tribute to neon decadence that immediately removed any sense of danger or intrigue. It’s hard for Batman to be cool when it looks like he exists within an absurdly opulent Las Vegas hotel (and showroom). But then, this wasn’t the same Batman. He was gonna get drive-thru! In the Batmobile! Preposterous! I remember being annoyed, and not sure if this jokey crap was supposed to fly. Hell, if it isn’t making a hyper-active 14-year-old laugh, then it must be pretty damn lame.

And it was. The opening sequence featured a cringe-inducing, broadly-played caricature with a tad too much bizarre facial alteration. Yep, Nicole Kidman was terrible. Her opening scene, hurling ludicrously slutty come-ons at the Caped Crusader was nothing short of painful. The movie appeared to stop dead in its tracks... Until Tommy Lee Jones showed up as Two-Face and it actually did.

Look, I could go through the film scene by scene, marvelling at the sheer awfulness of every single frame, but that would be a lot of work for me and I’m lazy. Although, I’m tempted. So, instead let’s focus on the central flaw of the film, in my opinion: Batman is out of place in his own damn movie. The film’s world is a cartoonish environment where neon street gangs reign, goofy sound effects spontaneously occur and characters behave as if they are in Looney Tunes. So, Batman’s tortured plight, fighting to recall the details of his father’s red book (Zzzzzzz....), has zero weight. It’s actually stunningly dull, creating this weird dichotomy where half the film is a flamboyant camp-fest (which is far too sci-fi-ish), and the other is a shallow, stolid psychological study. And due to this lousy contrast, both sides cancel each other out. Bruce’s emotional turmoil, and his hilariously solemn therapy scenes and dreamcatcher nonsense with Kidman’s Dr. Chase Meridian feel like big ‘ol time wasters until the next horribly staged (But ultra-bright) action scene. And what exactly is solved by any of these developments? That Kilmer's droning, catatonic Bruce learns he can love a trampy and professionally unethical sorority-girl shrink?

*Slow hand claps*.

But I could forgive this hopeless conceit if the action stuff was fun and exhilarating, but it isn’t. Look, I’m quite aware that Tim Burton is no master of fight choreography. But he’s John Woo compared to Joel Schumacher. There’s a sorta cool moment when Batman crashes through a wildly elaborate skylight into a wildly elaborate fountain and does a wildly elaborate backflip and kick-down to two of Two-Face’s goofily dressed (What’s with the facial piercings?) henchmen. Now, in itself, the shot is fine, though wildly elaborate (Did I mention that?). However, any observant viewer will notice that Batman’s kicks come nowhere near making contact with the two tumbling lackeys. This is a common flaw in the film: very few hits actually look like they’re making contact. The other flaw: most of them are stupid. Robin and Batman’s fight with neon street gang? Off-puttingly weird and tedious. The brawls with Two-Face’s goons? Reach-for-the-fast-forward-inducing. Oh, and that lousy Batmobile chase, scored to something resembling 50’s era dance-hall music, which begins with Two-Face in drag pushing a carriage, and ends with the damn car racing up a building? Hair-pullingly ghastly. What happened to Batman?

He’s been lost in the excess. The villains are the ones running the show here. Tommy Lee Jones, the worst offender, behaves like a crack-head on speed, railing on in loud, nonsensical tirades which grow old after his first scene. Too bad he has about twenty others. Riddler is a little better. His origin stuff is bad. Really bad. Carrey seems to be trying, but hyperactive goofiness is not scary or interesting. So, his Edward Nygma Wayne Corp. stuff dies, but as the Riddler he’s actually pretty damn good. I like the way he seems ten steps ahead of everyone else, and infectiously excited about it. The cane twirling? The flamboyance? Pretty accurate actually. His first meeting with Two-Face is probably his best moment. On the flipside, that scene in the Batcave where he tosses around bombs with the accompaniment of “wacky” sound effects should have been furiously rejiggered. Oh, and Two-Face and Riddler invading Wayne Manor by posing as trick-or-treaters at the front door? Bah, I don’t want to get into THAT genius decision.

So, what works? Aside from the Riddler, of course. Well, I like the opening credits and Warner Bros. morphing Bat-logo bit. Sets a great tone... To a whole other movie. It’s well done though, much like the iconic closing running shot, and deserves mention. Also, I really like how the introduction to Robin is done. The Grayson acrobat material seems ripped from the comic pages, and deserves to be in a film without a martial-arts laundry scene (set to heavy metal music, natch). It must also be said that I think Chris O’Donnell is a half-decent Robin. Yeah, he’s too old, but his determination and attempts to create an energetic dynamic with the rigamortus -afflicted Kilmer deserve praise. He almost succeeds in making Robin cool, which is a nothing less than miraculous. I also appreciate the slight attempts at showing Batman’s detective skills, as well as introducing Arkham Asylum into the series. Oh, and I also really liked... No wait, my bad, that’s all.

Batman Forever is a film that, like its green-clad villain, fills me with questions: Why is the Statue of Liberty in Gotham? Why does Batman have a slow-mo shampoo commercial-like video of Chase Meridian on the Bat-computer? Why is there so much 50’s era sci-fi music? Why does a manila envelope stop flesh-eating acid? Why is Batman in the courtroom when said envelope gets its work out? Why does Chase Meridian have a punching bag in her office? Why do people say things like “Oh no! It’s boiling acid!”? Oh, and who the hell wrote that “chicks dig the car” line? They deserve a punch in the face!

It’s a terrible film that deserves the public shunning it routinely receives. It paved the way for tomorrow’s crime against humanity, and reintroduced the world to the campiness of the 60’s TV show (Watch how the camera is always on an angle when showing the villains. Cuz they’re crooked!) For me, it’s the worst in the series due to how dull it is. At least tomorrow’s entry is so bad it’s fascinating. It’s fitting that this film introduced the butt-shot, as this flick is all kinds of ass. And yet it’s now the longest blog entry I’ve ever written. Go figure.

Riddle me this, riddle me that, look at what Joel Schumacher shat.

Bat-Faves:

Best (Worst) Batman/Bruce Wayne Lines

“I don’t blend in at the family picnic.”
“Tell me doctor, do you like the thircuth?”

Best Villain Line(s):

“Riddle me this, riddle me that, who’s afraid of the big black bat?” – Riddler
“Like the jacket? It keeps me safe when I'm... jogging at night!” - Riddler

Best Iconic Bat-shot:

The closing shot of Batman and Robin running toward the screen.

In-Jokes:

Bob Kane’s widow Elizabeth plays Gossip Gerty.
Robin suggests Nightwing as a nickname, a nod to Dick Grayson’s future moniker.
“Holey Rusted Metal, Batman!” – Ugh.
The initials “HD” (Harvey Dent) are carved into Two-Face’s coin.

Batman mentions Metropolis, home of Superman.
Chase Meridian makes a sly reference to Catwoman.

Worst Moment:

Acrobatic ninja laundy folding scene, hands down.

Success As A Batman Film:

2 out of 5

Success As A Film:

1.5 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 3: BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM (1993)

“Your Angel of Death awaits!” it says, floating ominously out of the fog. It’s like being in a nightmare, chased by a relentless force that seems to operate on an inhuman level. Bargaining and pleading aren’t an option, and escape is highly improbable. Its charcoal grey cloak sweeps majestically behind it, while a bladed gauntlet points perilously in your direction. An eye for an eye, it declares. It’s glowering, triangular, white eyes are the soul and mystery of Batman’s first major animated theatrical feature, a moody gothic journey into a Gotham we’ve only ever dreamed of seeing realized. It calls itself the Phantasm, the film is called Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 3.

It’s amusing in retrospect to realize that, despite the many film and television adaptation of Batman prior to 1992, there had never been a proper translation of the Batman mythos outside of the colored panels. Sure, the Tim Burton films, serials, and Adam West series had gotten certain aspects correct, but none had accurately portrayed Batman, the Dark Knight... The World’s Greatest Detective. This streak ended in 1992, when producer/writers Alan Burnett, Paul Dini, and Bruce W. Timm, along with a gaggle of other talents, foisted Batman: The Animated Series onto the unsuspecting public. An immediate hit, due largely to the popularity of the Keaton Bat-films, Animated Series kept a fair deal of the dark beauty and foreboding menace of the films, but also dug deeper into what Gotham City (in brilliant art-deco design) and Batman really should be.

Gone was the neurotic, awkward Bruce Wayne, now replaced by a charming, square-jawed playboy (Voiced expertly by Kevin Conroy). Also kicked to the curb was the emphasis on colorful villains over the title character. This is BATMAN, dammit, not KILLER CROC! Arguably the greatest change, however, was the weight given to Batman’s relationship with Commissioner Jim Gordon (Bob Hastings). Oh, and Batman actually used detective skills now! The success of the afternoon show led to the creation of a theatrical feature in 1993, the film we are discussing and it ranks near the top of the Bat-canon.

Telling a deceptively simple story that blends a star-crossed love affair with a mystery tale centered around a series of brutal gangland murders by the shadowy title character, Mask Of The Phantasm makes the most of its source’s rich history. We get to delve deep into the heart of why Batman is, arguably, the richest (No pun intended) comic-book creation of all time. Rewatch the scene when Bruce Wayne, distraught and desperate, falls to his knees in front of his parents’ grave pleading for a normal life with lady-love Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delaney), free of revenge and vengeance. It’s moving and tragic, and yet also frightening as we truly get a glimpse into Bruce’s psychosis. He is a good but disturbed man who needs help, not a weird recluse with a rubber and violence fetish. The loss is so much stronger here, where Wayne has a great deal going for him, and so much to lose. He hurts because he is irreparably damaged, and, I sense, because he knows he’ll never find peace. Heavy stuff for a kid’s flick...

The contrasting of this nobler Wayne with the adventurous, beautiful Andrea is a major triumph for the production. She is his perfect mate, and yet fate is against them both. He has winged rodent problems, but her troubles are equally tragic. Her father, a good man involved with the mob, is in serious trouble. Before long they’ll have even more in common than they’d think. And could there be some link between her plight and the mysterious Phantasm?

Tossed into the mix, a frenetic time-bomb of hyper-active insanity, is Mark Hamill’s awesome take on The Joker. Lacking the disturbed gentleman artist shadings of Batman, this Joker is a flat-out nightmare, and far more frightening than the Phantasm. There are two moments in Mask Of The Phantasm that dead-on exemplify exactly what the Joker’s true nature is. The first scene, a struggle with Batman in which he is being strangled over a table, and his hand reaches out, with the option to grab either a butcher knife or a bologna sausage, chooses the sausage and smacks the Caped Crusader across the face. This is a perfect example of the Joker’s twisted humor, where joy is best derived from pain drawn through “hilarious” means. The other moment, and it’s a showstopper, is when he is finally captured and being taken to his death by the Phantasm. His hideout, the old Gotham World’s Fairground, erupts in fames around him, and the Phantasm has him down on his knees, ready to end his life, and he can’t stop laughing. So he laughs, and laughs and... Laughs. Louder and louder, his insanity manifesting itself in a brilliant display of horrific glee. Psychotic derangement has never been so compelling.

The bravura final Joker battle aside, in terms of spectacle, Mask Of The Phantasm, sure doesn’t disappoint. There’s a great truck chase with Batman tossed to and fro, before laying out the misbehaving driver. As well, a scene featuring the dispatch of a gang of toughs ends with a thrilling slow-motion takedown. Perhaps the greatest moment, while not an action beat, is the corrupted city Councilman Arthur Reeves’s exit. A victim of Joker’s depraved poison experiments, it begins in giggles and snorts, before erupting in a crescendo of screaming maniacal laughter, with a look of terrified desperation in his eyes. It’s easily far more disturbing than a similar scene in Burton’s Batman, and possibly the highlight of the entire film.

And that is quite a feat, considering that the whole shebang is presided over by a hooded Grim Reaper with a Jason Voorhees-like Mask. The Phantasm, whose scenes seem inspired by the great Universal horror films, is more of a force than a character. There isn’t any witty banter or conversation. It’s mostly silent, deadly and determined. Only at the conclusion, when the character’s identity is revealed, is any dimension added to this portentous antagonist.

Watching the Mask Of The Phantasm reminds us of the best Batman stories, the ones that walked the fine line between gripping and nightmarish. Its unfortunate the film is so brief (76 minutes with credits), as it robs the movie of the epic sweep it so deserves. With that said, it’s a uniformly strong effort that is a something of a buried gem. I can’t recommend enough that Bat-fans who haven’t seen it seek it out. It’s a riveting journey through the world of the Dark Knight, and superior to all the straight-to-video animated follow-ups (Although Subzero is well worth a look as well). One has to wonder if Christopher Nolan was taking notes here when he was beginning the early stages of scripting and designing Batman Begins as, like that film, Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm understands what it’s like inside the cowl... As well as outside.

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
The Showstopper: The slow-mo blow that dismounts a biker thug from his ride.
The Throwaway: Crunching a homicidal mobster under a heavy table.

Best Villain Dispatch:
-Councilman Arthur Reeve’s cackling departure.
-Bronski’s graveyard goodbye courtesy of the Phantasm.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Lines:
“This madness ends NOW!”
“Is my shirt too big, or is that my flesh crawling?”

Best Villain Lines:
“Sal Valestra, your Angel of Death awaits...” – The Phantasm
“That's it. That's what I want to see, a nice big smile.” – Joker
“What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal!” – Joker
“You can’t be too careful with all these weirdos around!” – Joker

Bonus Hall-Of-Fame Quote:
“Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.” – Alfred

Best Iconic Bat-shot:
Batman’s silhouetted cowl upon Thomas and Martha Wayne’s tombstone.

In-Jokes:
-Joker’s jetpack is the exact same model as James Bond’s in Thunderball.
-The names “O’Neil” and “Adams” names are mentioned – Tributes to the great Batman writer Dennis O’Neil and artist Neil Adams.
-Batman and Joker’s World’s Fair tussle includes a cheeky tribute to classic Godzilla films.
-A Warner Bros. logo is seen in the World’s Fair’s city model.
-When the Joker shoots the robots in the "World's Fair", the sound of them winding down is the sound of the Millennium Falcon winding down from The Empire Strikes Back.
-Bruce and Andrea’s martial arts love scene is a nod to the James Bond/Pussy Galore romantic tussle in Goldfinger.

Worst Moment:
Actress Tia Carrere’s cheese-tastic closing credit number “I Never Even Told You”.


Success As A Batman Film:
5 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 2: BATMAN RETURNS (1992)

“He’s like a frog who became a prince!” “No, he’s more like a Penguin...”. And so he is, and make no mistake about it, this time around it’s his show. Although there is also a certain feline foe vying for the spotlight. Batman’s second film is undoubtedly the darkest and most (intentionally) perverse instalment in the Bat-franchise, and the one that would act as a detour spot for future entries. It’s the film that made Batman truly kid-unfriendly, and shocked parents to the point of protests and hysteria. A bubbling mixture of Freudian sexuality and deep emotional pain, the film is Batman Returns, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 2.

It’s a funny thing about Batman Returns, I vividly recall my experience watching this flick for the first time. It was the summer of grade 6 (1992), and I was at my friend Mark’s birthday party. Sitting back in my theatre seat, I was seduced by the pitch-black images washing over me. The Penguin’s bile-dripping maw, Catwoman, all decked up in dominatrix-like vinyl, lashing the heads off department store mannequins, and Michael Keaton’s Batman, a lone (and lonely) figure gazing uneasily at both foes, his siblings in emotional isolation. It was a lot for an 11 year old to take in, and indeed I remember Mark’s younger brother being led from the theatre sobbing away. But having seen the film now, oh, probably 20 times I’ve found that it still haunts me. It’s a dark shadow of a film that entices us with its sinister beauty, while making us stare directly into our own insecurities and resentments. But, oh the magnificence of it all...

Has there ever been a more visually stunning blockbuster? I can’t think of much competition. With sets laced in artifice (and created by Bo Welch), and devoid of the mechanical ugliness of Batman ’89, Tim Burton’s follow-up presents Gotham as a wintry gothic paradise, where few people seem to dwell. Indeed, look at any crowd scene and you’ll be surprised how empty it is. Maybe to emphasize the sheer solitude of Gotham’s citizens. It’s a Penguin-eat-Penguin world, and we’re all alone.

Speaking of old Bird-boy, has there ever been a more pathetic arch-villain in a superhero epic? From the opening scenes, as we watch the disfigured young baby being tossed off a sad little bridge into that icy river leading into the cold, damp sewers we’re transfixed. His inhuman cries only increase the tension. Who’s the real monster here? The physically repulsive infant or the people that would discard him with so little compassion. As we watch him float through the sewer (in a virtuoso credit sequence), underscored by Danny Elfman’s mournful score, Tim Burton sets this character apart from any previous comic-book villain. When he finally appears, coughing black ooze, peering out through bars at a city that fears him, we have to ask a fundamental question: Is he inherently evil, or has our own lack of tolerance created him. Because of this, Danny DeVito’s Oswald Cobblepot aka the Penguin is the most fascinating character in Batman Returns, and the reason that I revisit it so often. And what is with his violent sexual obsessions?

Surely Catwoman is cut from the same cloth, a meek and lost young woman who seems invisible to all those around her. Take a closer look at her introduction to the film and notice that Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina is never seen in close-up. Even the camera isn’t interested in what she has to say. But that night, when Batman saves her from that taser-wielding clown, something is awoken. The devilish smile that passes over her face when she shyly electrocutes her unconscious wannabe attacker? That’s her transition point, the glimpse into what lurks within. The assault at the hands of her boss, Max Shreck (Christopher Walken), is only the catalyst for ultimately pulling those repressed emotions to the surface. Selina Kyle has been victimized by men all her life, and now she’s ready for payback. As Catwoman, she’s a walking, talking symbol of dominant female sexuality and control and she’s ready to roar. And what is with her aggressive sexual tendencies?

Putting it plainly, Batman Returns is a twisted journey into sexual desire and dysfunction, with Batman the neutral figure. Catwoman is in complete control of her sexuality, amused by her new-found allure and overjoyed with her ability to manipulate the minds of the men around her. Watch how she masterfully directs the Penguin’s character flaws, taunting his animalistic desires, and using him to help her sully the Batman’s name - the one person who is her equal. Observe that scene in which she seductively strokes her hand across his body, searching for the real man in the suit, stopping with her hand below camera range, a sly smile crossing her lips. Batman doesn’t quite know what to make of this, but he kinda likes it. And when, after he’s knocked on his back, she straddles him and tantalizingly licks him, we’re seeing the bizarre love connection between two eager participants. Call it sadomasochism if you like, but I see it more as two sexually repressed people finally finding liberation through a game of erotic one-upmanship. Now compare that with the awkward date scenes with Bruce and Selina out of costume. They’re uncomfortable and lifeless. These people need costumes and danger to be truly charged. They are star-crossed lovers in a reckless dance of death.

And the Penguin? He hates women. All of them. Yet he craves their touch, and hates himself for exposing that vulnerability. Watch how Shreck is only able to convince Penguin to go along with his plans after promising him “unlimited poontang”. Or how he luridly eyes his poor image consultant (Jan Hooks). It’s hard to tell whether he wants to sleep with her or murder her. Maybe both. Or watch the viciousness with which he strikes the vapid Ice Princess with that sharp batarang. He expels his hatred for the humanity that turned on him through misogynistic fury. The scene where Catwoman (“Just the pussy I’ve been lookin’ for!”) finally declares her disgust for him is equally telling. His turn from lust to spurned anger to homicidal rage is frightening and gripping. For a character so violently driven by sexual desire, it’s amusing that Penguin is the only one who never has his needs at all met. His final scene, where he fails to kill Batman because he grabs the harmless umbrella, the definitive manifestation of his own impotence? Or perhaps sometimes a parasol really is just a parasol...

It’s these subversive themes that make Batman Returns so entertaining and memorable. Sure, there are thrills, such as Batman’s street fights with the Red Triangle Circus Gang, the rooftop scuffles with Catwoman or the Penguin’s penguin army (roused with the most wicked ode to Patton ever put on screen). But they are accentuated with the dark erotic themes that color the rest of the work. Is it at all curious that Penguin plans to have an army of bird shower phallic missiles down on the people of Gotham, after deliriously ordering them to blow Gotham’s citizen’s “erogenous zones sky high”? Or that Batman can only escape a tight spot by altering the Batmobile into giant phallic symbol, that then shoots down a narrow alley way? Hitchcock knew what he was doing when he attached the shot of a train going into a tunnel in North By Northwest, and I suspect Tim Burton did here too...

But oh, how gorgeous it all is. There’s a sweeping model shot, zooming through Penguin’s remote Arctic World hideout that is hypnotically dazzling. Or the art-nouveau look of Max Shreck’s department store, with its all-seeing Cat orb clock staring ominously over the clueless citizens below. Also, the icy remoteness of the Penguin’s hideout, where in an unforgettable scene following Cobblepot’s dreadful, pitiful death, a small band of penguins guide his lifeless body into the dark depths of the sewers. It is a mournfully affecting moment that exemplifies why Batman Returns is the most artistically wonderful Bat-film of all: It embraces its themes through poetic and imaginative ways, instead of literality. Tim Burton, in the spirit of the Penguin, has glanced upon the acceptable concepts of blockbuster entertainment, shouted “Burn, baby, burn!”, and delivered an open wound of a film, which favours childhood hurt, adult sexuality, repression and personal isolation. And he’s done it all with a sick smile and an artful understanding of black humour. No wonder Warner Bros. didn’t invite him back for round three...

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
Blasting a fire-breathing clown with the Batmobile’s rear flamethrower.

Best Villain-Dispatch:
Selina giving Shreck a truly charged kiss.
Runner-up: Penguin biting the nose of a smarmy image consultant.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Lines:
"Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it..."
"You know what, I mistook me for somebody else. "

Best Villain Lines:
“I am Catwoman, hear me roar!” – Catwoman
“Meow!” – Catwoman
“You think you can go fifteen round with Muhammed Shreck?” – Max Shreck
“You don’t really think you’ll win, do you?” – Penguin
“Gotta fly!” – Penguin
“I played this city like a harp from hell!” – Penguin

Best Iconic Bat-shot
Bruce Wayne, alone in his study, rising purposefully as the reflection of the Bat signal fills the room.

In-Jokes:
-Max Shreck's name - Taken from Max Schreck, the star of the classic horror film Nosferatu.
-Paul Reubens & Diane Salenger, stars of Burton's Pee-Wee's Big Adventure as Penguin's parental units.
-Bruce scolding Alfred for letting Vicki Vale in the Batcave. A favorite fanboy pet peeve.
-The famous "Wilhelm Scream" audio sample when Batman hurls Penguin's thug over a railing.

Worst moment:
“Eat floor! High fibre!”- Batman, possibly channelling a Joel Schumacher Bat-flick.
Bruce Wayne DJ scratching a CD


Success As A Batman Film:
3 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4.5 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 1: BATMAN (1989)

“They say he can’t be killed! They say he drinks blood!” These declarations are trumpeted by a minor character in the early minutes of Tim Burton’s 1989 blockbuster Batman. And indeed the first part is definitely true. Batman has existed for nearly sixty years. We’ve seen him at his highest peaks, such as Frank Miller’s defining work or the 90’s animated series, and his lowest valleys, when he was mangled beyond explanation in Joel Schumacher’s Bat-flicks. Yet, he has been a consistently fascinating figure throughout. The Caped Crusader’s stature and psychological depths have made him a central figure in my life, and so it is appropriate that the first major event on this blog should be centred on him, Gotham’s dark son, and the figure that looms tall within our darkest dreams. He goes by the strange moniker of Batman, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat.

For younger generations, 1989’s Batman is often considered an overhyped film that’s well past its best-before date. This might be true, as I will discuss later. But it was a time when the Dark Knight took mainstream culture by storm. The newspapers reported everything from sequel rumours, to the massive ticket line-ups and even the Bat-haircut craze (Which involved shaving the Bat logo into the back of your head. It was a short-lived fad...). Burger King commercials that blared the arrival of the Bat-burger and Bat-shake. It was an exciting time to be comic-book geek and film-fan. So, as we all know, the movie was reasonably successful, but how does it stand now?

As a time-capsule, it’s invaluable. Sitting down to watch it is an immersive experience that immediately transports me back to my 9-year-old self. I cringe at the Joker gleefully blowing holes in Boss Grissolm or giving a fat mobster a tracheotomy with a quill pen. I thrill at the Batwing eclipsing the moon or Batman punching the smile off Joker’s face. But it has to be said that, under closer analytical inspection, Batman has a lot of problems. The dated matte shots are well past cheesy and the lack of visceral action is problematic, the romantic storyline between Bruce Wayne and reporter Vicki Vale is DOA. As well, the film has very little drive; it meanders pleasantly from twisted scene to twisted scene before arriving at an ill-fitting climax.

And yet, the picture enchants me still. Why? I think it is because the film is one of the most entertaining collages of ill-fitting parts I’ve ever seen. Batman is a movie made of endless great moments. Yes, they do not quite add up to a complete whole, but it’s hard to complain when we’re having so much fun. There’s just far too many classic scenes for it to be anything less than a joyously amusing spectacle. The Joker’s sadistic and satirical commercial which mocks the superficiality of cosmetics ads? Brilliant! The greatest Batmobile of all time's destructive charge through Axis Chemicals? Exhilarating! Joker’s cruel parody of the Macy’s Day Parade? Wickedly funny! Batman standing on the bell-tower, solemnly looking down upon his dear city? Magical...

I think that the atmosphere of the film is the key-ingredient in its enduring popularity. Many critics have called Batman a study in film noir aesthetics, which is true. But rather than trying to be truly nourish, Batman almost feels like a perversion of what we’ve come to expect from that particular genre. The characters act like they are intimately familiar with film noir, and almost seem to be playing dress-up. Take Knox, the crime reporter. Robert Wuhl has the fast-talking beat-reporter thing down, but despite his wardrobe, he seems contemporary. Almost like he knows that he’s a character in a noir-throwback. The beautiful sets, by Anton Furst, twist the classic shadowy cityscapes of noir into an industrialized world of ugliness. Recall Axis Chemicals, with its gaping maw dome, the seedy surgery clinic where Joker impatiently rips away his bandages or the sinister cathedral towering over the dozens of scurrying Gothamites (Ever notice how under-populated this film is?). They are seductively repulsive; we’d hate to live near them but gaze upon them in mesmerized fascination. Who engineered this city?

The characters are equally interesting. Jack Nicholson’s Joker, honestly the star of the film, is a brilliant construct. Foregoing the random psychosis of the comic-book character, Nicholson, hidden behind a frighteningly gleeful death-mask of a grin, makes him a darkly romantic figure, whose internal logic seems based on the artistic and ironic instead of the mindlessly vicious. His kills are a study in the blackest humour, and we can be forgiven for chuckling along with him. He isn’t a scary character, but he holds our attention because we want to like him no matter how pathetic he thinks we are. Even his death robs us of true catharsis, as he still winds up getting the last laugh. Tim Burton casts his Joker as the ultimate performance artist, a man willing to sacrifice anything in the name of irony-soaked artistic expression. He could almost be seen as an expression of the relentless energy which thrives within Burton himself.

Keaton’s Batman is even stranger. His dialogue consists of disjointed mutterings and awkward silences. His Wayne isn’t really a playboy, he’s a man clawing to escape the skin that envelopes him. The cowl is his release, and only way of feeling in control. Keaton, a controversial choice at the time, is very good at playing the discomfort of Bruce. He’s shifty, with a weird nervous energy yearning to escape. As he speaks little, Keaton lets his eyes and body language do the talking, and they say far more than words could. Even under the burdensome garb, he seems commanding in his stillness. His Batman isn’t a hyperactive ninja; he only needs to strike once, with purpose. And yet Keaton lets some vulnerability creep in, such as the beaten down exhaustion of Batman’s ascension to the cathedral’s higher sanctum, or taking on the trio of Joker’s toughs who dwell within (How’d they get there?). He’s the hero we’d never want to be, an angry, self-hating man who can only release steam through reliving past tragedy.

The supporting characters are of varying quality. Vicki Vale, as I said before, is a wash-out. Kim Basinger relies far too much on screaming and frantic behaviour. Though to be fair, she’s let down with a poorly written character that isn’t even given the opportunity to be surprised when she finds out Wayne is Batman. Wuhl’s Aexander Knox is a bit more interesting, as he acts as the audience’s voice within the film, commenting on the irony of each event. The actor is a lot of fun, but his disappearance during the second act is unfortunate. Also, isn’t it strange that these two intrepid journalists lack any knowledge regarding the city’s biggest success having had his parents murdered?

Jack Palance gets to gnash his teeth and play up his image with his gang-boss character Grissolm. It’s a fun little performance that benefits from familiarity with the actor’s back catalogue. Less endearing is Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent. He’s a pointless addition to the cast, emphasized as being important in the early scenes, but forgotten shortly after. Similarly, Pat Hingle’s Commissioner Gordon is weakly handled. Gone is the driven professional who reluctantly sides with the Bat. Here, he’s something of a buffoon. A wasted opportunity, as his relationship with Bats is a key theme of the comic books. Michael Gough is a great Alfred, however, and he makes the most of his handful of moments. Although his character, like Gordon, deserved more screen time.

The greatest supporting character, who deserves infinite credit, is Danny Elfman. His score elevates the film far beyond its quality-level. "The Batman Theme", yet to be outdone, is absolutely majestic, sending chills of excitement up my spine every time it is played onscreen. As well, his Joker theme and Batmobile/Axis Chemical Attack compositions are positively energizing.

These strengths that I’ve mentioned are what elevate the often clumsy writing of Batman to a level of near greatness. It's the quintessential mood movie, in that if you are susceptive to its charms, you’re willing to overlook its flaws. And while it is far from a perfect representation of Batman’s world, it is a hypnotic journey into the imaginations of its creators, as well as the shadowy souls of its characters. Joker’s famous utterance of “Wait’ll they get a load of me!” was fitting, as Batman blew our minds back in ’89, and still continues to do so nearly two decades later.

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
The back-hand punch that Batman delivers to an unsuspecting gangster in the Axis Chemical set-up scene.

Best Villain Dispatch:
A toss-up: Napier’s deadly farewell to the crooked Eckhardt, or his amusingly blasé execution of right-hand man Bob the Goon.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Line(s):
“I’m Batman!”
“You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts!”

Best Villain Line(s):
(All delivered by Joker)
“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
“I make art until someone dies.”
“Where does he get those wonderful toys?”
“Wait’ll they get a load of me.”
“This town needs an enema!”

Best Iconic Bat-shot:
The closing shot of Batman on the top of the bell tower.

In-Jokes:
The Bob Kane-signed “Bat-Man” on Knox’s desk.

Worst Moment:
Bruce And Vicki’s soppy chat about their “perfect world” in the Batcave.


Success As A Batman Film:
3.5 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - Coming Very, Very Soon.

Howdy y'alls. Just wanted to let you all know that there won't be a new review this week. No, not due to my somewhat well known laziness, but rather due to the preperations taking place for this upcoming event on "Pop-Culture Episodes"!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, I mentioned that there would be an upcoming event on here called "7 Days Of The Bat" taking place before the release of The Dark Knight. Well, I never forgot and indeed have been rewatching a number of Bat-films, taking notes, and typing up retrospectives for the most well-appreciated (and despised). Plus, there will be a more personal (read: less quippy) essay that will close the whole shebang.

So, keep an eye open this Saturday for the first installment; a revisit to now distant 1989 when Michael Keaton ruled the omniverse.

See you then.