7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 3: BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM (1993)

“Your Angel of Death awaits!” it says, floating ominously out of the fog. It’s like being in a nightmare, chased by a relentless force that seems to operate on an inhuman level. Bargaining and pleading aren’t an option, and escape is highly improbable. Its charcoal grey cloak sweeps majestically behind it, while a bladed gauntlet points perilously in your direction. An eye for an eye, it declares. It’s glowering, triangular, white eyes are the soul and mystery of Batman’s first major animated theatrical feature, a moody gothic journey into a Gotham we’ve only ever dreamed of seeing realized. It calls itself the Phantasm, the film is called Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 3.

It’s amusing in retrospect to realize that, despite the many film and television adaptation of Batman prior to 1992, there had never been a proper translation of the Batman mythos outside of the colored panels. Sure, the Tim Burton films, serials, and Adam West series had gotten certain aspects correct, but none had accurately portrayed Batman, the Dark Knight... The World’s Greatest Detective. This streak ended in 1992, when producer/writers Alan Burnett, Paul Dini, and Bruce W. Timm, along with a gaggle of other talents, foisted Batman: The Animated Series onto the unsuspecting public. An immediate hit, due largely to the popularity of the Keaton Bat-films, Animated Series kept a fair deal of the dark beauty and foreboding menace of the films, but also dug deeper into what Gotham City (in brilliant art-deco design) and Batman really should be.

Gone was the neurotic, awkward Bruce Wayne, now replaced by a charming, square-jawed playboy (Voiced expertly by Kevin Conroy). Also kicked to the curb was the emphasis on colorful villains over the title character. This is BATMAN, dammit, not KILLER CROC! Arguably the greatest change, however, was the weight given to Batman’s relationship with Commissioner Jim Gordon (Bob Hastings). Oh, and Batman actually used detective skills now! The success of the afternoon show led to the creation of a theatrical feature in 1993, the film we are discussing and it ranks near the top of the Bat-canon.

Telling a deceptively simple story that blends a star-crossed love affair with a mystery tale centered around a series of brutal gangland murders by the shadowy title character, Mask Of The Phantasm makes the most of its source’s rich history. We get to delve deep into the heart of why Batman is, arguably, the richest (No pun intended) comic-book creation of all time. Rewatch the scene when Bruce Wayne, distraught and desperate, falls to his knees in front of his parents’ grave pleading for a normal life with lady-love Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delaney), free of revenge and vengeance. It’s moving and tragic, and yet also frightening as we truly get a glimpse into Bruce’s psychosis. He is a good but disturbed man who needs help, not a weird recluse with a rubber and violence fetish. The loss is so much stronger here, where Wayne has a great deal going for him, and so much to lose. He hurts because he is irreparably damaged, and, I sense, because he knows he’ll never find peace. Heavy stuff for a kid’s flick...

The contrasting of this nobler Wayne with the adventurous, beautiful Andrea is a major triumph for the production. She is his perfect mate, and yet fate is against them both. He has winged rodent problems, but her troubles are equally tragic. Her father, a good man involved with the mob, is in serious trouble. Before long they’ll have even more in common than they’d think. And could there be some link between her plight and the mysterious Phantasm?

Tossed into the mix, a frenetic time-bomb of hyper-active insanity, is Mark Hamill’s awesome take on The Joker. Lacking the disturbed gentleman artist shadings of Batman, this Joker is a flat-out nightmare, and far more frightening than the Phantasm. There are two moments in Mask Of The Phantasm that dead-on exemplify exactly what the Joker’s true nature is. The first scene, a struggle with Batman in which he is being strangled over a table, and his hand reaches out, with the option to grab either a butcher knife or a bologna sausage, chooses the sausage and smacks the Caped Crusader across the face. This is a perfect example of the Joker’s twisted humor, where joy is best derived from pain drawn through “hilarious” means. The other moment, and it’s a showstopper, is when he is finally captured and being taken to his death by the Phantasm. His hideout, the old Gotham World’s Fairground, erupts in fames around him, and the Phantasm has him down on his knees, ready to end his life, and he can’t stop laughing. So he laughs, and laughs and... Laughs. Louder and louder, his insanity manifesting itself in a brilliant display of horrific glee. Psychotic derangement has never been so compelling.

The bravura final Joker battle aside, in terms of spectacle, Mask Of The Phantasm, sure doesn’t disappoint. There’s a great truck chase with Batman tossed to and fro, before laying out the misbehaving driver. As well, a scene featuring the dispatch of a gang of toughs ends with a thrilling slow-motion takedown. Perhaps the greatest moment, while not an action beat, is the corrupted city Councilman Arthur Reeves’s exit. A victim of Joker’s depraved poison experiments, it begins in giggles and snorts, before erupting in a crescendo of screaming maniacal laughter, with a look of terrified desperation in his eyes. It’s easily far more disturbing than a similar scene in Burton’s Batman, and possibly the highlight of the entire film.

And that is quite a feat, considering that the whole shebang is presided over by a hooded Grim Reaper with a Jason Voorhees-like Mask. The Phantasm, whose scenes seem inspired by the great Universal horror films, is more of a force than a character. There isn’t any witty banter or conversation. It’s mostly silent, deadly and determined. Only at the conclusion, when the character’s identity is revealed, is any dimension added to this portentous antagonist.

Watching the Mask Of The Phantasm reminds us of the best Batman stories, the ones that walked the fine line between gripping and nightmarish. Its unfortunate the film is so brief (76 minutes with credits), as it robs the movie of the epic sweep it so deserves. With that said, it’s a uniformly strong effort that is a something of a buried gem. I can’t recommend enough that Bat-fans who haven’t seen it seek it out. It’s a riveting journey through the world of the Dark Knight, and superior to all the straight-to-video animated follow-ups (Although Subzero is well worth a look as well). One has to wonder if Christopher Nolan was taking notes here when he was beginning the early stages of scripting and designing Batman Begins as, like that film, Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm understands what it’s like inside the cowl... As well as outside.

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
The Showstopper: The slow-mo blow that dismounts a biker thug from his ride.
The Throwaway: Crunching a homicidal mobster under a heavy table.

Best Villain Dispatch:
-Councilman Arthur Reeve’s cackling departure.
-Bronski’s graveyard goodbye courtesy of the Phantasm.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Lines:
“This madness ends NOW!”
“Is my shirt too big, or is that my flesh crawling?”

Best Villain Lines:
“Sal Valestra, your Angel of Death awaits...” – The Phantasm
“That's it. That's what I want to see, a nice big smile.” – Joker
“What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal!” – Joker
“You can’t be too careful with all these weirdos around!” – Joker

Bonus Hall-Of-Fame Quote:
“Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.” – Alfred

Best Iconic Bat-shot:
Batman’s silhouetted cowl upon Thomas and Martha Wayne’s tombstone.

In-Jokes:
-Joker’s jetpack is the exact same model as James Bond’s in Thunderball.
-The names “O’Neil” and “Adams” names are mentioned – Tributes to the great Batman writer Dennis O’Neil and artist Neil Adams.
-Batman and Joker’s World’s Fair tussle includes a cheeky tribute to classic Godzilla films.
-A Warner Bros. logo is seen in the World’s Fair’s city model.
-When the Joker shoots the robots in the "World's Fair", the sound of them winding down is the sound of the Millennium Falcon winding down from The Empire Strikes Back.
-Bruce and Andrea’s martial arts love scene is a nod to the James Bond/Pussy Galore romantic tussle in Goldfinger.

Worst Moment:
Actress Tia Carrere’s cheese-tastic closing credit number “I Never Even Told You”.


Success As A Batman Film:
5 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 2: BATMAN RETURNS (1992)

“He’s like a frog who became a prince!” “No, he’s more like a Penguin...”. And so he is, and make no mistake about it, this time around it’s his show. Although there is also a certain feline foe vying for the spotlight. Batman’s second film is undoubtedly the darkest and most (intentionally) perverse instalment in the Bat-franchise, and the one that would act as a detour spot for future entries. It’s the film that made Batman truly kid-unfriendly, and shocked parents to the point of protests and hysteria. A bubbling mixture of Freudian sexuality and deep emotional pain, the film is Batman Returns, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat – Day 2.

It’s a funny thing about Batman Returns, I vividly recall my experience watching this flick for the first time. It was the summer of grade 6 (1992), and I was at my friend Mark’s birthday party. Sitting back in my theatre seat, I was seduced by the pitch-black images washing over me. The Penguin’s bile-dripping maw, Catwoman, all decked up in dominatrix-like vinyl, lashing the heads off department store mannequins, and Michael Keaton’s Batman, a lone (and lonely) figure gazing uneasily at both foes, his siblings in emotional isolation. It was a lot for an 11 year old to take in, and indeed I remember Mark’s younger brother being led from the theatre sobbing away. But having seen the film now, oh, probably 20 times I’ve found that it still haunts me. It’s a dark shadow of a film that entices us with its sinister beauty, while making us stare directly into our own insecurities and resentments. But, oh the magnificence of it all...

Has there ever been a more visually stunning blockbuster? I can’t think of much competition. With sets laced in artifice (and created by Bo Welch), and devoid of the mechanical ugliness of Batman ’89, Tim Burton’s follow-up presents Gotham as a wintry gothic paradise, where few people seem to dwell. Indeed, look at any crowd scene and you’ll be surprised how empty it is. Maybe to emphasize the sheer solitude of Gotham’s citizens. It’s a Penguin-eat-Penguin world, and we’re all alone.

Speaking of old Bird-boy, has there ever been a more pathetic arch-villain in a superhero epic? From the opening scenes, as we watch the disfigured young baby being tossed off a sad little bridge into that icy river leading into the cold, damp sewers we’re transfixed. His inhuman cries only increase the tension. Who’s the real monster here? The physically repulsive infant or the people that would discard him with so little compassion. As we watch him float through the sewer (in a virtuoso credit sequence), underscored by Danny Elfman’s mournful score, Tim Burton sets this character apart from any previous comic-book villain. When he finally appears, coughing black ooze, peering out through bars at a city that fears him, we have to ask a fundamental question: Is he inherently evil, or has our own lack of tolerance created him. Because of this, Danny DeVito’s Oswald Cobblepot aka the Penguin is the most fascinating character in Batman Returns, and the reason that I revisit it so often. And what is with his violent sexual obsessions?

Surely Catwoman is cut from the same cloth, a meek and lost young woman who seems invisible to all those around her. Take a closer look at her introduction to the film and notice that Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina is never seen in close-up. Even the camera isn’t interested in what she has to say. But that night, when Batman saves her from that taser-wielding clown, something is awoken. The devilish smile that passes over her face when she shyly electrocutes her unconscious wannabe attacker? That’s her transition point, the glimpse into what lurks within. The assault at the hands of her boss, Max Shreck (Christopher Walken), is only the catalyst for ultimately pulling those repressed emotions to the surface. Selina Kyle has been victimized by men all her life, and now she’s ready for payback. As Catwoman, she’s a walking, talking symbol of dominant female sexuality and control and she’s ready to roar. And what is with her aggressive sexual tendencies?

Putting it plainly, Batman Returns is a twisted journey into sexual desire and dysfunction, with Batman the neutral figure. Catwoman is in complete control of her sexuality, amused by her new-found allure and overjoyed with her ability to manipulate the minds of the men around her. Watch how she masterfully directs the Penguin’s character flaws, taunting his animalistic desires, and using him to help her sully the Batman’s name - the one person who is her equal. Observe that scene in which she seductively strokes her hand across his body, searching for the real man in the suit, stopping with her hand below camera range, a sly smile crossing her lips. Batman doesn’t quite know what to make of this, but he kinda likes it. And when, after he’s knocked on his back, she straddles him and tantalizingly licks him, we’re seeing the bizarre love connection between two eager participants. Call it sadomasochism if you like, but I see it more as two sexually repressed people finally finding liberation through a game of erotic one-upmanship. Now compare that with the awkward date scenes with Bruce and Selina out of costume. They’re uncomfortable and lifeless. These people need costumes and danger to be truly charged. They are star-crossed lovers in a reckless dance of death.

And the Penguin? He hates women. All of them. Yet he craves their touch, and hates himself for exposing that vulnerability. Watch how Shreck is only able to convince Penguin to go along with his plans after promising him “unlimited poontang”. Or how he luridly eyes his poor image consultant (Jan Hooks). It’s hard to tell whether he wants to sleep with her or murder her. Maybe both. Or watch the viciousness with which he strikes the vapid Ice Princess with that sharp batarang. He expels his hatred for the humanity that turned on him through misogynistic fury. The scene where Catwoman (“Just the pussy I’ve been lookin’ for!”) finally declares her disgust for him is equally telling. His turn from lust to spurned anger to homicidal rage is frightening and gripping. For a character so violently driven by sexual desire, it’s amusing that Penguin is the only one who never has his needs at all met. His final scene, where he fails to kill Batman because he grabs the harmless umbrella, the definitive manifestation of his own impotence? Or perhaps sometimes a parasol really is just a parasol...

It’s these subversive themes that make Batman Returns so entertaining and memorable. Sure, there are thrills, such as Batman’s street fights with the Red Triangle Circus Gang, the rooftop scuffles with Catwoman or the Penguin’s penguin army (roused with the most wicked ode to Patton ever put on screen). But they are accentuated with the dark erotic themes that color the rest of the work. Is it at all curious that Penguin plans to have an army of bird shower phallic missiles down on the people of Gotham, after deliriously ordering them to blow Gotham’s citizen’s “erogenous zones sky high”? Or that Batman can only escape a tight spot by altering the Batmobile into giant phallic symbol, that then shoots down a narrow alley way? Hitchcock knew what he was doing when he attached the shot of a train going into a tunnel in North By Northwest, and I suspect Tim Burton did here too...

But oh, how gorgeous it all is. There’s a sweeping model shot, zooming through Penguin’s remote Arctic World hideout that is hypnotically dazzling. Or the art-nouveau look of Max Shreck’s department store, with its all-seeing Cat orb clock staring ominously over the clueless citizens below. Also, the icy remoteness of the Penguin’s hideout, where in an unforgettable scene following Cobblepot’s dreadful, pitiful death, a small band of penguins guide his lifeless body into the dark depths of the sewers. It is a mournfully affecting moment that exemplifies why Batman Returns is the most artistically wonderful Bat-film of all: It embraces its themes through poetic and imaginative ways, instead of literality. Tim Burton, in the spirit of the Penguin, has glanced upon the acceptable concepts of blockbuster entertainment, shouted “Burn, baby, burn!”, and delivered an open wound of a film, which favours childhood hurt, adult sexuality, repression and personal isolation. And he’s done it all with a sick smile and an artful understanding of black humour. No wonder Warner Bros. didn’t invite him back for round three...

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
Blasting a fire-breathing clown with the Batmobile’s rear flamethrower.

Best Villain-Dispatch:
Selina giving Shreck a truly charged kiss.
Runner-up: Penguin biting the nose of a smarmy image consultant.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Lines:
"Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it..."
"You know what, I mistook me for somebody else. "

Best Villain Lines:
“I am Catwoman, hear me roar!” – Catwoman
“Meow!” – Catwoman
“You think you can go fifteen round with Muhammed Shreck?” – Max Shreck
“You don’t really think you’ll win, do you?” – Penguin
“Gotta fly!” – Penguin
“I played this city like a harp from hell!” – Penguin

Best Iconic Bat-shot
Bruce Wayne, alone in his study, rising purposefully as the reflection of the Bat signal fills the room.

In-Jokes:
-Max Shreck's name - Taken from Max Schreck, the star of the classic horror film Nosferatu.
-Paul Reubens & Diane Salenger, stars of Burton's Pee-Wee's Big Adventure as Penguin's parental units.
-Bruce scolding Alfred for letting Vicki Vale in the Batcave. A favorite fanboy pet peeve.
-The famous "Wilhelm Scream" audio sample when Batman hurls Penguin's thug over a railing.

Worst moment:
“Eat floor! High fibre!”- Batman, possibly channelling a Joel Schumacher Bat-flick.
Bruce Wayne DJ scratching a CD


Success As A Batman Film:
3 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4.5 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - DAY 1: BATMAN (1989)

“They say he can’t be killed! They say he drinks blood!” These declarations are trumpeted by a minor character in the early minutes of Tim Burton’s 1989 blockbuster Batman. And indeed the first part is definitely true. Batman has existed for nearly sixty years. We’ve seen him at his highest peaks, such as Frank Miller’s defining work or the 90’s animated series, and his lowest valleys, when he was mangled beyond explanation in Joel Schumacher’s Bat-flicks. Yet, he has been a consistently fascinating figure throughout. The Caped Crusader’s stature and psychological depths have made him a central figure in my life, and so it is appropriate that the first major event on this blog should be centred on him, Gotham’s dark son, and the figure that looms tall within our darkest dreams. He goes by the strange moniker of Batman, and this is 7 Days Of The Bat.

For younger generations, 1989’s Batman is often considered an overhyped film that’s well past its best-before date. This might be true, as I will discuss later. But it was a time when the Dark Knight took mainstream culture by storm. The newspapers reported everything from sequel rumours, to the massive ticket line-ups and even the Bat-haircut craze (Which involved shaving the Bat logo into the back of your head. It was a short-lived fad...). Burger King commercials that blared the arrival of the Bat-burger and Bat-shake. It was an exciting time to be comic-book geek and film-fan. So, as we all know, the movie was reasonably successful, but how does it stand now?

As a time-capsule, it’s invaluable. Sitting down to watch it is an immersive experience that immediately transports me back to my 9-year-old self. I cringe at the Joker gleefully blowing holes in Boss Grissolm or giving a fat mobster a tracheotomy with a quill pen. I thrill at the Batwing eclipsing the moon or Batman punching the smile off Joker’s face. But it has to be said that, under closer analytical inspection, Batman has a lot of problems. The dated matte shots are well past cheesy and the lack of visceral action is problematic, the romantic storyline between Bruce Wayne and reporter Vicki Vale is DOA. As well, the film has very little drive; it meanders pleasantly from twisted scene to twisted scene before arriving at an ill-fitting climax.

And yet, the picture enchants me still. Why? I think it is because the film is one of the most entertaining collages of ill-fitting parts I’ve ever seen. Batman is a movie made of endless great moments. Yes, they do not quite add up to a complete whole, but it’s hard to complain when we’re having so much fun. There’s just far too many classic scenes for it to be anything less than a joyously amusing spectacle. The Joker’s sadistic and satirical commercial which mocks the superficiality of cosmetics ads? Brilliant! The greatest Batmobile of all time's destructive charge through Axis Chemicals? Exhilarating! Joker’s cruel parody of the Macy’s Day Parade? Wickedly funny! Batman standing on the bell-tower, solemnly looking down upon his dear city? Magical...

I think that the atmosphere of the film is the key-ingredient in its enduring popularity. Many critics have called Batman a study in film noir aesthetics, which is true. But rather than trying to be truly nourish, Batman almost feels like a perversion of what we’ve come to expect from that particular genre. The characters act like they are intimately familiar with film noir, and almost seem to be playing dress-up. Take Knox, the crime reporter. Robert Wuhl has the fast-talking beat-reporter thing down, but despite his wardrobe, he seems contemporary. Almost like he knows that he’s a character in a noir-throwback. The beautiful sets, by Anton Furst, twist the classic shadowy cityscapes of noir into an industrialized world of ugliness. Recall Axis Chemicals, with its gaping maw dome, the seedy surgery clinic where Joker impatiently rips away his bandages or the sinister cathedral towering over the dozens of scurrying Gothamites (Ever notice how under-populated this film is?). They are seductively repulsive; we’d hate to live near them but gaze upon them in mesmerized fascination. Who engineered this city?

The characters are equally interesting. Jack Nicholson’s Joker, honestly the star of the film, is a brilliant construct. Foregoing the random psychosis of the comic-book character, Nicholson, hidden behind a frighteningly gleeful death-mask of a grin, makes him a darkly romantic figure, whose internal logic seems based on the artistic and ironic instead of the mindlessly vicious. His kills are a study in the blackest humour, and we can be forgiven for chuckling along with him. He isn’t a scary character, but he holds our attention because we want to like him no matter how pathetic he thinks we are. Even his death robs us of true catharsis, as he still winds up getting the last laugh. Tim Burton casts his Joker as the ultimate performance artist, a man willing to sacrifice anything in the name of irony-soaked artistic expression. He could almost be seen as an expression of the relentless energy which thrives within Burton himself.

Keaton’s Batman is even stranger. His dialogue consists of disjointed mutterings and awkward silences. His Wayne isn’t really a playboy, he’s a man clawing to escape the skin that envelopes him. The cowl is his release, and only way of feeling in control. Keaton, a controversial choice at the time, is very good at playing the discomfort of Bruce. He’s shifty, with a weird nervous energy yearning to escape. As he speaks little, Keaton lets his eyes and body language do the talking, and they say far more than words could. Even under the burdensome garb, he seems commanding in his stillness. His Batman isn’t a hyperactive ninja; he only needs to strike once, with purpose. And yet Keaton lets some vulnerability creep in, such as the beaten down exhaustion of Batman’s ascension to the cathedral’s higher sanctum, or taking on the trio of Joker’s toughs who dwell within (How’d they get there?). He’s the hero we’d never want to be, an angry, self-hating man who can only release steam through reliving past tragedy.

The supporting characters are of varying quality. Vicki Vale, as I said before, is a wash-out. Kim Basinger relies far too much on screaming and frantic behaviour. Though to be fair, she’s let down with a poorly written character that isn’t even given the opportunity to be surprised when she finds out Wayne is Batman. Wuhl’s Aexander Knox is a bit more interesting, as he acts as the audience’s voice within the film, commenting on the irony of each event. The actor is a lot of fun, but his disappearance during the second act is unfortunate. Also, isn’t it strange that these two intrepid journalists lack any knowledge regarding the city’s biggest success having had his parents murdered?

Jack Palance gets to gnash his teeth and play up his image with his gang-boss character Grissolm. It’s a fun little performance that benefits from familiarity with the actor’s back catalogue. Less endearing is Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent. He’s a pointless addition to the cast, emphasized as being important in the early scenes, but forgotten shortly after. Similarly, Pat Hingle’s Commissioner Gordon is weakly handled. Gone is the driven professional who reluctantly sides with the Bat. Here, he’s something of a buffoon. A wasted opportunity, as his relationship with Bats is a key theme of the comic books. Michael Gough is a great Alfred, however, and he makes the most of his handful of moments. Although his character, like Gordon, deserved more screen time.

The greatest supporting character, who deserves infinite credit, is Danny Elfman. His score elevates the film far beyond its quality-level. "The Batman Theme", yet to be outdone, is absolutely majestic, sending chills of excitement up my spine every time it is played onscreen. As well, his Joker theme and Batmobile/Axis Chemical Attack compositions are positively energizing.

These strengths that I’ve mentioned are what elevate the often clumsy writing of Batman to a level of near greatness. It's the quintessential mood movie, in that if you are susceptive to its charms, you’re willing to overlook its flaws. And while it is far from a perfect representation of Batman’s world, it is a hypnotic journey into the imaginations of its creators, as well as the shadowy souls of its characters. Joker’s famous utterance of “Wait’ll they get a load of me!” was fitting, as Batman blew our minds back in ’89, and still continues to do so nearly two decades later.

Bat-Faves:
Best Batman Dispatch:
The back-hand punch that Batman delivers to an unsuspecting gangster in the Axis Chemical set-up scene.

Best Villain Dispatch:
A toss-up: Napier’s deadly farewell to the crooked Eckhardt, or his amusingly blasé execution of right-hand man Bob the Goon.

Best Batman/Bruce Wayne Line(s):
“I’m Batman!”
“You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts!”

Best Villain Line(s):
(All delivered by Joker)
“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
“I make art until someone dies.”
“Where does he get those wonderful toys?”
“Wait’ll they get a load of me.”
“This town needs an enema!”

Best Iconic Bat-shot:
The closing shot of Batman on the top of the bell tower.

In-Jokes:
The Bob Kane-signed “Bat-Man” on Knox’s desk.

Worst Moment:
Bruce And Vicki’s soppy chat about their “perfect world” in the Batcave.


Success As A Batman Film:
3.5 out of 5

Success As A Film:
4 out of 5

7 DAYS OF THE BAT - Coming Very, Very Soon.

Howdy y'alls. Just wanted to let you all know that there won't be a new review this week. No, not due to my somewhat well known laziness, but rather due to the preperations taking place for this upcoming event on "Pop-Culture Episodes"!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, I mentioned that there would be an upcoming event on here called "7 Days Of The Bat" taking place before the release of The Dark Knight. Well, I never forgot and indeed have been rewatching a number of Bat-films, taking notes, and typing up retrospectives for the most well-appreciated (and despised). Plus, there will be a more personal (read: less quippy) essay that will close the whole shebang.

So, keep an eye open this Saturday for the first installment; a revisit to now distant 1989 when Michael Keaton ruled the omniverse.

See you then.

Film Review - WANTED: Blood, Guts, Bullets & Octane!

Have you ever see a film that, early into the viewing, had you shaking your head in incredulity? They don’t really think I’m dumb enough to enjoy this, do they? But then, lacking the will to walk out and demand a refund, you surrender to the inanity and slowly begin to enjoy yourself and even, dare I say, feel an increasing glow of admiration for whoever concocted the bizarre clap-trap of ridiculousness before you?

Well, I had such an experience watching the hyper-violent Wanted, the 129th graphic novel adaptation to be released this month alone (I kid!). It raised my awareness of a secret group of assassins who have been covertly working right under our noses, corrupting societal order, for the last thousand years. I know! I was as surprised as you are!

Equally as shocked is young Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy), a corporate drone in near-suicidal Dilbert mode. His life just plain sucks. He’s broke and he hates his job, where his shrewish boss sadistically emasculates him. Even worse, his conniving girlfriend is cheating on him with his loser best friend. Just when things couldn’t get any worse, a mystery woman named Fox (Angelina Jolie) shows up in a pharmacy and saves him from the deadly killer Cross (Thomas Kretschmann), who apparently offed Wesley’s super-assassin father. Before long, our young hero is persuaded to join The Fraternity, a secret assassin squad run by Morgan Freeman (Aren’t they all nowadays?). Despite having to go through a strict regimen of facial beatings, stabbings and gruesome bodily mutilations, Wesley is soon a bad-ass gunman who can “curve the bullet”, which is a pretty nifty skill and even groovier special effect. Given the assignment of taking out Cross, Wesley soon finds the metaphorical tables turned, and then must decide who to trust, who to kill, and exactly how many stray rats to blow up. I’m not making that last part up, either.

Look, it’s clear from the get-go that Wanted has very few intelligent ideas in its pretty little head. The film’s secret weapon though, is Russian director Timur Bekmambetov (Night Watch, Day Watch) who has never found a shot he couldn’t improve through sheer kinetic loopiness. There is a car chase early in the picture, with McAvoy driving a red Ferrari and Jolie laying across the hood unloading multiple firearms, which ups the ante on outrageous car-chases. My other favourite moment, a smaller one, is a scene where Wesley smashes a keyboard across an opponent’s face and stray keys fly towards the screen in slow-motion, spelling out an obscenity. While the overabundance of hyperactivity grows a tad stale by the end, I can always find respect for an action movie that shows me something new.

James McAvoy proves himself to be a surprisingly effective action hero. I’ve been unimpressed with most of his prior work, but his commanding presence here has me hoping that’ll he’ll apply this new charismatic approach to future work. Angelina Jolie plays the male fantasy version of Angelina Jolie, beating the snot out of people and looking devilishly seductive at the same time. Morgan Freeman does the umpteenth variation on his typical mentor role, but at least gets to toss off some F-bombs which are actually more shocking than the film’s creative carnage.

I suspect most thrill-junkies are going to have a great time with Wanted. It’s almost two hours of mindless stylized death that leaves you giggling as you walk out of the theatre doors. However, it’s done skilfully and with a level of originality that earns it a recommendation. Now I’d really like to see what Bekmambetov can do with a script that doesn’t involve detonating vermin...

3 out of 5

Film Review - HANCOCK: A Truly Flaccid Blockbuster... Heehee.

As I sit here, trying to sort through the scattered details of my experience watching Hancock, I’m left with a simple question: What happened? We have Will Smith, arguably the biggest movie star on the face of the planet, playing a conflicted superhero. We have a solid supporting cast featuring the always engaging Charlize Theron and comically gifted Jason Bateman as a husband and wife team who help the mighty-louse achieve respectability. There’s even an emerging hot-shot directorial talent, Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Friday Night Lights) running the show. So why is Hancock such an incomprehensible mess? No really, I’d like to know.

It can’t be blamed on the script being hopeless, because it has been a hot property in Hollywood for a fair number of years. Sold and produced under the title Tonight, He Comes (*tee-hee*), then given the slightly less porn-centric moniker Hancock, the film was initially intended to be a blackly humorous deconstruction of the superhero genre with a thoroughly unlikable protagonist. My guess is that that’s where the Hollywood heavies stepped in and made some drastic changes in the name of the kid-friendly PG-13 rating and the guarantee of summertime dollars. The hell with logic or narrative focus, not to mention artistic integrity!

As it stands now, the Fresh Prince’s titular character isn’t even that much of a scoundrel. He’s more of a surly alcoholic with a bawdy streak and a penchant for leaving bedlam and destruction in his wake. After saving nice-guy Public Relations executive Ray Embrey (Bateman) from a train-wreck (Ironic, much?), the struggling professional decides to take on Hancock as a project. The drunken crusader, initially resistant, humours Ray and allows himself to be incarcerated for his numerous crimes against the city’s architecture. After a montage of therapy/prison life scenes, he’s in reluctant hero-mode, uneasily helping the police stop bank robberies, and donning a goofy black costume. However, hidden complications soon loom, and when they come into play, Hancock and Ray’s lives are irreversibly altered, and the film itself veers off into Looney-land.

The plot synopsis above really only covers the first half-hour of this ninety-minute snoozer. Whatever impressions you’ve gotten from the movie’s marketing campaign should be dismissed, as Hancock is not the comedic hero flick you’ve been expecting. Each of the three acts manages to take the film into a different genre: The first section is a foul-mouthed comedy in which the word “asshole” is uttered, perhaps, more than any film in the history of cinema. Then there is a clunky transition, and we’re suddenly in action-thriller territory, with a predictable surprise development and a truly dismal attempt at a superhero battle. Finally, after we’ve grown frustrated and tired from being jerked around, the movie develops into a tragic romance that is so overblown it’ll likely draw titters from the peanut gallery and mass watch-checking from the everyone else.

Through it all, Will Smith stands tall and strives valiantly to entertain. He’s actually quite good here, fearlessly kidding his family-friendly image and being pretty darn winning in the process. Jason Bateman is equally on par, essentially holding the film together with his well-executed straight-man routine. On the other hand, I don’t really know what to say about Charlize Theron. Half of the film consists of her giving ridiculously over-the-top reaction shots in the presence of Hancock, hammering home that a “Big Plot Twist” is on the horizon. I half expected her to jump off the screen and plop down into the seat next to mine, where she could then nudge me knowingly in the ribs every ten seconds. Her work in the latter part of the film, when she is actually given dialogue, is passable, but was overshadowed by the story sending my Preposterousness Meter screaming into the red.

By all appearances, Hancock wreaks of the work of a desperate studio who, needing a July 4th tent-pole film, have taken an edgy comedy and cut and slashed it into something resembling bland family entertainment. When one observes the abundance of plot-threads and ideas shoe-horned into such a scant running time, you know something is rotten in Tinseltown. If anyone ever decides to assemble a detailed behind-the-scenes expose on the backstage politics going on during Hancock’s production, it’ll be a worthwhile Amazon purchase.

Hancock is a complete belly-flop of a film that lacks a single justification for its own existence. This season has already seen two superior super-powered epics in Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, and with the impending Dark Knight and Hellboy II, Hancock is utterly outclassed. At this point in the game, the super-hero film bar is at such a lofty level that franchise hopefuls have a zero margin for error. The people behind Hancock shot themselves in the foot the second they fired it out of the gate half-cocked.

1.5 out of 5


P.S.: Imagine what Bad Santa's Terry Zwigoff could have done with this project... *Sighs*.

Film Review - GET SMART: Missed It By That Much...

Since the mid-nineties, the “reimagining” of classic (and not-so-classic) television shows as feature film events has been a spotty and questionable trend. For every spectacular The Fugitive or amusing Brady Bunch Movie, we’ve been subjected to a plethora of sub-human atrocities such as Scooby-Doo, Flintstones or Car 54, Where Are You?. However, being less than intimately familiar with the source material, none of these films touched me on a deeper level. I could never throw on my fanboy hat and passionately champion or deride them for how successful they were in manipulating beloved memories of my past. Until now, at least.

Get Smart was a weekly ritual for my good friend David and I during the latter years of elementary school. The assorted misadventures of bumbling Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) and mod-chic Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon), agents of CONTROL battling the sadistic forces of KAOS, were slyly hilarious hodgepodges of spy-movie satire and top-notch slapstick, which played directly to my juvenile tastes. Sadly though, Get Smart hasn’t had a particularly strong shelf life, and indeed seemed lost in the annals of TV’s golden days. Or at least it was, until Warner Bros. decided to retrofit Get Smart into a multi-million dollar summer blockbuster.

Get Smart Version 2.0 now features former-40-Year-Old Virgin Steve Carell donning Maxwell’s reliable shoe-phone. However, unlike the earlier incarnation, his Maxwell Smart is a lot more competent this time around. When the film begins, he’s an ace CONTROL information analyst who dreams of being a field agent akin to the dashing Agent 23 (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). This fantasy is shattered, alas, by The Chief (Alan Arkin), who feels Smart is too valuable an asset to risk in the field. Nevertheless, after CONTROL is infiltrated and nearly destroyed by a KAOS mole, the hopeful agent is promoted and teamed with the alluring Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway), an experienced operative with little patience for Max’s over-zealous and seemingly clueless methods. Yet, as is usually the case, respect and attraction gradually blossom as the two become entrenched in the villainous plot, presided over by head-baddie Siegfried (Terence Stamp), and must work together to expose the mole and save the world from impending doom.

Now, I am well aware that the majority of you wading through this review have little familiarity with the 60’s TV show. So, instead of succumbing to the temptations of unbridled geekiness, I’ll avoid going into torturous details regarding accuracy, and instead inform you that Get Smart, despite flashes of brilliance, is not the thriving success it deserves to be. There is a dual-personality at work here, that can’t decide whether to give emphasis to comedy or action, and lacks the confidence to truly commit to either. Director Peter Segal, the maestro behind films such as Tommy Boy, 50 First Dates and The Longest Yard, is competent, but the film cries out for a master’s deft touch.

Steve Carell has been in some ill-fitting comedic roles as of late. In fact, his filmic output led to me creating a litmus test for judging his performances, as well as the strength of the script. He tends to have an unusual proclivity for screaming nonsensically in films that don’t give him enough comic material to work with. Hence in disasters like Evan Almighty he acted like a deranged mental patient who had managed to slip through the gates during puzzle time. Fortunately, the scream quotient is kept to a reasonable level in Get Smart, and Carell is actually an inspired casting choice. He understands how to deliver well-aimed zingers with a mix of understatement and sincerity, and his chemistry with Hathaway, who shows surprisingly strong comedic chops, is flawless. It’s a testament to their talents that they even make this flick’s dramatic moments feel genuine, when they are actually pretty hokey.

The supporting cast, while nicely eclectic, is a little shakier. Dwayne Johnson gives probably his strongest performance to date, nicely immersing himself into the film’s zaniness. In addition, Alan Arkin is on fire, delivering the biggest laughs in the film. On the flip side, villain Stamp is fairly lifeless, and comedians David Koechner and Terry Crews fail to add any zing to their “madcap” CONTROL field agents. James Caan, as the president, does a decent George W., but that parody exceeded its Best-Before-Date years ago.

To be fair, Get Smart is extremely watchable. It’ll make a decent rental in a couple months. But as a reason to go to the movies, it doesn’t quite connect. The actors are dedicated, but the laughs aren’t consistent and the action set-pieces are unremarkable. This franchise has a lot of potential, and I hope the filmmakers work out the kinks in the inevitable sequel. Diehards and casual viewers will likely agree that Get Smart would benefit from being a whole lot, well, smarter.

2.5 out of 5